I returned to... well, MY room, now, since my roommates were... god, you think 
you know the limitations of a hentai, and something like this happens. Anyway, 
I returned to get Jenny's and my stuff, since she refused to even enter the room 
anymore, and I had no interest in sleeping alone... I mean, sleeping in an empty 
room. We'd just have to live a bit more cramped with the other girls. At least 
this time I didn't have a duct right over my head. 

Hmm, no bloodstains anywhere. The janitor must be good. He hasn't said 
anything about the bodies, either... I wonder what he did with them? 

Okay, I did *not* need that mental picture. Yuck. Yuck yuck yuck. 

I grabbed my books and a few personal belongings I had brought and was 
about to leave when I remembered that I still had most of my clothes in the 
closet. 

Show me the girl who can live without her wardrobe, and I'll show you... 
something. I can't remember the quote right now. I grabbed the handle. 

My senses tingled. 

Too late. I had already started opening the closet door, and a hentai 
literally flew out, hands held out in a standard groping fashion. I 
leapt back and avoided him, but he managed to tear open my shirt. 

Right, that does it. Good shirts like these don't come cheap, pig. I 
kneed him hard in the groin. Surprisingly enough, it didn't stop him... 
this one was resilient. But it did distract him enough for me to grab 
him by his arm, throw him over my shoulder, then leap onto him and 
elbow-punch him in the chest, finishing by snapping his neck. Damn, 
this is a good workout. 

So if you are a hentai, you better stay away from me and my friends, or 
you'll end up like this as well. Cuz I'm... 

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º 

HENTAI HUNTER GAIA 

Part V: Too fun for your own good 

Original Concept by Myth, who doubles as mad... wait, wrong site. 
This part by Jonatan Streith, the one and (fortunately) the only. 
HHG hosted by: Oh come on. You found this part, you know where you can 
find the rest. 

Disclaimer: This fic may or may not contain words referring to certain 
body parts, actions, and items. These all exist in something called Real Life. 
If you do not approve of Real Life, you are advised to stop enjoying this fic 
RIGHT NOW and go watch Card Captor Sakura instead. On second thought, even 
that might be a bit too risque for you. But if you are looking for simple and 
enjoyable humor, and isn't prude like a nun locked in a closet for five years, 
you should very well go ahead. 

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,,,,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º 

Imagine a cat. 

Imagine a cat being twisted in ways a cat was not intended to be twisted. 

Imagine the sound the cat would make. 

Pan lowered his bow. "I really need more practice with the viola." 

I offered a silent thanks to whatever deity had heard my prayer and made him stop. 
"Yes, definitely. Definitely, Pan." I sat down next to him and cuddled up to him a 
bit. Hey, he's cute, never mind how weird. Want not, waste not, or something. Besides, 
this way he wouldn't be able to play any more music. Clever, huh? "So what are we 
going to do about this Laura chick?" 

"Dunno, really," Pan said, looking thoughtful. "Demons are one thing, but humans 
who are actually on their side... maybe she summoned it." 

I facepalmed. "Oh great. So she's some kind of sorceress-type person who keeps 
a demon as her plaything or something." Oh great, more nice mental images. Urgle. 
Blech. Think of cute guys. Ah, that's better. "So should I kill her?" 

Pan shook his head. "Too dangerous. She's not a hentai." 

Yeah, there's that little catch, isn't it? Mad Hentai Hunter Skeelz only work 
on actual hentais; against normal people, I had to rely on normal fighting 
skills. "So what should I do? You're the watcher guy, you come up with something." 

"Well, I..." He snapped his fingers. "I might be able to come up with 
something." He stood up and left the room in a really anti-dramatic 
fashion. I waited a few minutes, but he didn't come back. I resisted the 
urge to search through his belongings and went back to the room. 

*  *  * 

In his dark lair (as he had pulled the curtains shut), Bates chortled. 
And guffawed. And giggled. And did several other unhealthy noises that 
usually makes people look oddly at you when you do them. "Gyak gyak gyak! 
Blaah ha ha!" 

Bubbles flew over, eyeing his master with trepidation. "Are you amused, 
F- Master Bates?" 

Bates turned his head sharply, shooting a deadly glare at his winged 
underling. Fortunately, it didn't work, or we'd be one main character 
short. "Wurblef! Gah fulst--" He removed the sandwich from his mouth. 
"Bubbles, I just had a great idea to deal with that annoying..." He 
grinned, "...yet really cute..." he returned to normal, "...Hentai Hunter. 
And this time..." He lowered his voice and said slowly and ominously, "...I 
shall succeed." 

"Great! Great!" Bubbles flapped his wings energetically, flying hither 
and yon across the room from excitement. "So what are you going to do, 
master?" 

"I will do nothing now..." He leveled a finger at Bubbles, and grinned. 
"Tonight, YOU, Bubbles, will bring me a pair of Gaia's underwear!" 

"...oh." Bubbles drooped a bit. 

"A used pair," Bates added smugly. 

Bubbles >_<'ed. "Eww... do I really have to, Flidais?" 

And with a mighty *WHAP!* and a loud "THOU SHALT NOT CALL ME FLIDAIS!", 
Bubbles was sent flying into the night. 

Through the window. 

Which wasn't opened. 

Ow. 

*  *  * 

I shuffled back to my new room, and collapsed gracefully on the bed. (In case 
you wonder, we had Erik and Ryder move in an extra bed. I doubt any amount of 
goodwill would be enough to make Jade sleep on the floor two nights in a row.) 

"Hey, Gaia," Celes' voice said. "Tired?" 

"Mfftph," I replied. Well, I was lying face down on my bed. 

"Yeah, I guess it's kinda late," Bao replied. "We're gonna stay up for a while, 
though." 

"Mpphgf mmh mmh," I said, then lifted my head and repeated in clearer 
voice, "Just be quiet, okay?" They nodded. Since I don't sleep in my 
regular clothes more than strictly necessary, I got up and went off to wash 
and brush my teeth and do stuff male authors don't know about. (Where had that 
line come from? I must be more tired than I thought.) I changed into my pajamas 
and slipped into bed. I fell asleep almost immediately. Okay, so I twisted and 
turned for a while. But then I fell asleep. 

*  *  * 

I looked around, and realized I was standing outside... a castle? Yeah, a 
big castle, like stolen from some really gaudy Renfest. Not that I've ever 
seen a real Renfest. The castle seemed to be located in a barren wasteland, 
with lots of conveniently obscuring mist around. 

It was then I heard it. Weak at first, then growing in strength, and 
obviously female. From the sound of it, the originator was either in great 
pain, or-- 

Oh, geez. I just realized what the sound was. 

I clenched my fists and let out a mighty war cry as I stormed the gate. 
Then... everything shifted... and I found myself in a great hall. I felt as 
if I had run far, as I was sweaty and out of breath. My clothes had somehow 
gotten ripped in several convenient places, and looked as if the only thing 
holding them together was willpower. They were spattered with blood, too; not 
my blood. 

The room around me was, to use a fancy expression, a witch's brew of 
depravity. Girls, boys, chains, leather, hentais everywhere... I strained not 
to get too sick over some of the sights. Oh god, that girl... and a dog... 
putting hamsters in... I held back my stomach contents and focused on the 
only thing in the room that wasn't covered with hentais; a simple, featureless 
chair, standing on a small dais in the middle of the room. A figure, wreathed 
in shadow, sat on it. As I approached, stepping around (and occasionally ON) 
the hentais on the floor, it turned its head, and the shadows faded away. 

"Welcome into my parlor, Hentai Hunter," Flidais Bates sneered. 

Then the glass broke. 

*  *  * 

I awoke with a start, the sound of glass shattering still lingering in 
the air. I turned to look at the glass of water I had left standing on the 
dresser, and literally felt my eyes widen. 

It was not my worst nightmare. 

It was not my second to worst one. 

It wasn't even close. 

It was a small, furry creature with bat wings, apparently busy rifling 
through my laundry pile. 

It was probably, by general standards, rather cute. Unfortunately, few 
things manage to be cute in the eyes of tired teenagers at 2:00 AM. 

I grabbed it before it could get away, and violently tossed it out the 
window. 

Hmm, maybe I should have aimed for the one that was open. And haven't I 
seen that thing before? Ah, well. I cleaned up the remains of my broken 
water glass, and returned to the dream world. 

This time, I dreamt that I was crowned Supreme Empress of the entire 
camp, made all the cute guys my love-slaves, and made "toss annoying people, 
and especially Sarah Druantia, out the window," the official sport. It was fun. 

*  *  * 

"Ow... bloody hell... that didn't work too well..." Bubbles muttered as 
he flittered around the window. Inside, his master was busy absorbing a 
h-dojinshi. "No, not tonight. I hurt too much..." The winged underling flew 
off into the night, seeking a temporary refuge. 

*  *  * 

I woke up. Some mornings, this is an almost herculean task. This was one such 
morning. Mumbling incoherencies to my (except for Jenny) new roommates and 
performing the mysterious acts of female hygiene, I rallied my forces and 
set out on the glorious quest for vital nutrients. 

Okay, so we went for breakfast. Happy? 

The mess hall (either earning its name from a military background, or 
from the stuff left on the walls by diners several decades ago) is a noisy 
place. It's because it is filled with noisy teenagers, Einstein. 
Nonetheless, the food served there provided lots of nutrients and vitamins 
and other junk growing kids need. Good flavor was apparently considered an 
unnecessary expense. But it was free, and didn't make you sick. Much. 

Then I saw her. Laura. She was sitting at a table with her demon 
boyfriend. No, scratch that. The demon was sitting at the table, while 
Laura sat in his lap, hand-feeding him morsels from her plate. How 
disgusting. Isn't there some kind of law protecting innocent people from 
having to watch people like her and her boyfriend cuddle and act 
saccarine-cute in public like that? Never mind that I'd happily do 
the same if I had a boyfriend. 

She looked up, and our gazes met. 

I looked at her. 

She looked at me. 

Eyebrows rose. 

Eyes narrowed. 

Passing flies caught fire. 

Jenny tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, you got the hots for that chick or 
something, Gaia?" 

I started, and turned my burning glare on Jenny. She went down in a fiery inferno. 
Okay, not really. But she did catch my drift and shut up. 

I turned back to Laura... just in time to see an Unidentified Flying 
Breakfast Treat approach. Before I could duck, the piece of toast bounced 
off my head. From her table, Laura snickered, a snicker that seemed to say 
"Watch your step, Hentai Hunter". Or possibly something else. A group of boys 
walked in between me and her table, and when they had passed, Laura and her 
demon were gone. 

Damn. 

I grabbed a few items that could be identified as breakfast in a court of law, 
and took a table. Jenny had run off somewhere, apparently mistaking my burning 
glare for some real irritation, and the other roomies had vanished off somewhere 
earlier still. Which meant I had to eat alone. 

Or maybe not. Pan dropped into the opposite seat, placing a tray of 
pseudo-breakfast in front of him. "Hey, Gaia." Gosh, Pan. You're such a 
charmer. 

"Hi," I replied. "So where did you run off to last night?" 

"Missed me?" Before I could deliver a scathing sarcasm, he continued, 
"I found it. The thing I mentioned. Only I can't show it to you here... too 
much people. Let's go to my room after breakfast." 

I nodded. Then we discussed which actors from 'Titanic' we'd most like to see 
nailed to the hull of the sinking ship. 

*  *  * 

After breakfast, we went to Pan's room. Fortunately it was empty. Not 
that I cared much, but Pan seemed to be a bit hesitant about revealing the 
Hentai Hunter stuff to others, or something. He plopped down on his bed and 
started rifling through his bag. I took a seat on the bed opposite his. "Okay, 
I definitely want to rub out Laura. What should I do?" 

Pan stopped his searching momentarily and quirked an eyebrow at me. You 
know, in that really annoying fashion. "Getting bloodlust, Gaia? Being the 
Hentai Hunter is a great responsibility. You can't go around killing people 
just because you don't like them." 

"Feh. Have you any idea what she did to me this morning? She..." Tossed a 
piece of bread at me. Yeah, that would sound really awesome, Gaia. 

Before I could come up with a reasonable justification, Pan did the job 
for me. 

"But I think you should eliminate her anyway," he said. "You said that 
demon was a hentai... so you must stop it. And that means stopping her, 
too." 

"Aiight, I'm okay with that. But how?" I frowned. "I am NOT using the 
nipple clamps again." 

"Well, they wouldn't work anyway.  Today you'll have to use *this*..." 

I looked at the item in Pan's hand. 

I blinked. 

I looked again. 

Remember how I used to question Pan's sanity? Not any more. Now I was 
downright refusing to acknowledge its existence. 

"Pan... that's a carrot." I paused, and added, "A metal carrot." 

"Correct," he intoned. "This is Gertrude the Titanium Carrot. It is an 
ancient keepsake of my family, passed from father to son, from watcher to 
watcher... or something like that." 

So it's got a name, too... 'Gertrude'. Smashing. Simply smashing. "Dare I 
ask what it's supposed to do?" 

"My dad told me about it, but I don't remember all the details..." Pan 
ran his hand through his hair, looking thoughtful. "It's sorta holy, and 
protects against certain forms of magic... sometimes. But whatever you do, 
don't press the button." He indicated a small red button, located in a 
slight recession at about the middle of the thing. 

"And why not?" Oh, this will be entertaining... 

With an ominous voice that sounded too good not to be rehearsed, he 
replied, "If you do... it will summon every plumber within a five mile 
radius." 

I facefaulted. No, not really, but it really felt like the situation 
called for it. I made a 'come hither' gesture with my hand, and leaned 
forward to whisper in his ear... 

"ARE YOU TOTALLY NUTS?!?" 

"Gah!" He fell backwards from my verbal onslaught, and hit his head 
against the wall. Hard. He crumpled, looking dazed. 

Well, my bad. I had no intention of knocking him out. I leaned over him 
to check. Well, he seemed fine, if a bit dazed... come to think of it, he 
looks even cuter now when he's not all puffed up like he usually is... 

And it was a perfect opportunity to get a kiss, too. So the laws of Drama 
would probably make one of his roommates walk in right about... now. 

Okay, now. 

Any second now. 

Ah hell, I'm wasting time. I leaned forward and kissed him. His eyes 
popped open and he stared at me... for about one second. Then he 
reciprocated. 

Suffice to say, we didn't talk about either demons or hentais for some 
time. Or anything else, for that matter. 

*  *  * 

Then I felt it. 

No, not THAT, you sicko. You think I have no standards? We were only 
KISSING, dammit. 

It was... that. A strange sensation in the air. A feeling of something 
unclean nearby. Hentai waves, or whatever the scientific term was. And it 
was close. So close. In fact... 

"GET DOWN!" I yelled, shoving Pan off the bed and onto the floor. I leapt 
after him just as the door caved in. Oops, I thought I sensed it from behind 
the wall. Gotta practice those skills or you'll end up in a not-nice situation 
sooner or later, Gaia. Also, now was not a good time for introspection. 

Through the ruined door, the demon entered. Laura's demon. Although he 
was different this time... he wasn't taller or bigger or anything, there was 
just this feeling of malice, of evil, of... bad stuff. Either way, he looked 
dangerous. REALLY dangerous. Oh, boy. 

I wobbled unsteadily to my feet. "Let me guess, Laura sends her regaOOF!" 
Before I could finish my line, he slugged me across the room. Jerk! Aren't 
the bad guys supposed to wait until the beautiful heroine (that's me, by the 
way) finishes her witty remark? 

Apparently not. I quickly sidestepped him as he attempted to bodyslam me, and 
he toppled out through the open window. (Okay, so I didn't mention one of the 
windows were open. It's not as if I thought it was important.) 

"You'd better finish him off now." I turned to see Pan (not much surprise 
there), now back on his feet. "He's weakened." 

"Aiight..." I headed for the door, but Pan stopped me. "What?" 

He held out the metal carrot. "Take it. Without it, you can't defeat the demon." 

I shrugged and snatched the apparently holy artifact from his hand. "If 
you insist... wait a sec, how do I use it?" 

He shrugged. "You're asking me?" 

Isn't he such a darling? Yes, I was kinda sarcastic. Weren't it for the 
fact that I had just enjoyed an indeterminate time of cuddling and kissing, 
I might have been nastier. I stormed out the door and down the stairs, clutching 
the metallic vegetable in my right hand. Why do these mystical holy artifacts 
never come with a manual? Not that I ever read manuals, of course. Waste of time. 
But I digress... again. 

I arrived at the bottom of the staircase, and realized something... it 
was dark. Of course, this had more to do with the broken lightbulb in the 
ceiling than with any unholy hentai powers. But still, it was really convenient, 
especially since the bulb was shattered, not burnt out. Really convenient... I'd 
better find the demon, though, before-- 

--he found me. A hand shot out of the inky darkness under the staircase 
and grabbed me by the neck. He laughed and lifted me off my feet, bruising my 
collarbone. "So you think you're any match for me and Laura?" he sneered, and 
then tilted his head backwards and laughed horribly. Oh god, I could see up his 
nostrils. Yuk. Then he stopped laughing, and glared angrily at me. "Time to die, 
Hentai Hunter." He tightened his grip, cutting off my oxygen supply. I felt utterly 
helpless as I hung from his grip, silently cursing myself for not having sensed him 
when I got down the stairs... I never thought he'd recover that fast. It's getting 
darker... I never told my mom I love her... I never returned that library book, 
either... and I regret not having kissed more cute guys... much help this carrot 
was, either. 

Hey, wait a sec... Pan said the carrot was holy. Then maybe... I held it up in 
front of him. He quickly shied away, but since he still held me, it didn't accomplish 
much. "Geh! What the fuck?" he gasped. 

Spotting an opportunity, I slashed at his arm with the carrot. despite 
the obvious lack of sharp edges, he howled and dropped me like a sack of 
potatoes. God, I never knew air could feel so *good*... I quickly got to my 
feet as life returned to my limbs, and brandished the carrot like a dagger. 
"Not so cocky now, demon?" 

"Huh!" he scoffed. "Laura didn't say anything about you having bloody 
holy stuff!" He flipped me the bird and ran for the door. 

Getting away? Not you, mister demon. Not tonight. "Oh no you don't!" I 
tossed the holy carrot at his retreating back. Sure, it's kinda 
dishonorable, but did I really have much choice? It spun ungracefully 
through the air, and connected roughly sideways with the demon. Hey, knife 
throwing is difficult. It looks so much easier in the movies. However, the 
demon collapsed as if shot. 

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Ow, my eardrums. I turned around to see an 
extremely stricken Laura standing in the other end of the hallway. Her face 
was a mixture of grief and hate. Guess I just killed her boy-toy. Normally I 
wouldn't gloat, but given the circumstances... 

"You... you..." Laura twitched violently, clenching her hands so tight 
her knuckles turned white. Let's not talk about the mask of rage her face 
had turned into. "...I'LL GET YOU!!!" She pointed at me, and dark energy stuff 
started swirling around her arm. Yeah, 'stuff'. Excuse me for not knowing the 
correct terminology, why don't you? I'm just a Hentai Hunter, but even I know 
when something looks nasty. 

I scanned my surrounding. Okay, narrow corridor, little room to maneuver, too 
far to the staircase, and my weapon (such as it was) was lying too far away. 
I was, simply put, screwed. 

Or so I thought, because just as Laura released the spell, a mysterious 
figure literally fell out of the darkness and blocked the onslaught with 
one hand. 

As the aftereffects of the spell died out, I got a good look at my 
savior. He was wearing a furry loincloth, a deerskin vest, and lots of 
pearly necklaces. Coupled with the elaborate face and body paint, he looked 
like a textbook shaman. Or a loon, but something in his appearance made him 
look very, very serious indeed. In his hand he held a dream-catcher (you know, 
those round things with intricately tied patterns and feathers hanging on them. 
I did one in art class once.), and he had been able to... block that attack with 
it?! Either Laura was an extremely wussy sorceress with equally extremely flashy 
spells, or this guy was powerful. But who was he? He looked familiar, but... 

"Hey, who do you think you are?" Laura hissed at him. "I'll teach you to 
interfere..." She started to mutter a spell under her breath. Without saying a 
word, the guy held up his dreamcatcher in front of him, and it started to glow. 
Fairly cool, I suppose, but what's that going to accomplish? 

Laura, however, thought otherwise. She paled and stopped chanting, 
backing away. Then she turned and fled into the shadows. The last I heard 
was a distant "This isn't over yet!" 

I walked over to the mysterious guy and tried to come up with some way 
of thanking him (without sounding like a total bimbo). "Hey, um..." Then 
he turned around, and I lost my rehearsed lines as I was drawn into a pair 
of dark, hazel eyes. "...um..." 

Then he smiled at me. 

That smile. 

And then he bounded off into the night. 

*  *  * 

Deciding that the commotion was over, Pan joined me downstairs. "So did 
you get him?" 

"Hmm?" I said, sounding distracted. Which I was. "He's over there." I 
indicated the remains of the demon with my thumb. Something very familiar 
about that smile... 

"Oh, okay." He wandered over to the body. 

Deciding that turning over the issue of the mysterious was only going to 
give me a headache, I followed him over. "Good work, huh?" 

"Gaia..." Pan began. 

"Of course, I AM the Hentai Hunter. It speaks for itself, doesn't it?" I 
flexed a little, feeling rather proud. Despite having almost gotten myself 
killed just a few hours ago, I felt kinda excited. 

"Gaia, he's still breathing." 

"He was-- WHAT?!" 

Uh oh. I quickly dropped to my knees and reached forward to snap his 
neck, when his eyes snapped open. I froze. He grinned, a pleasant, happy 
grin rather than a hentai leer. "Thanks, cutie," he said. Then he gurgled 
and his eyes rolled up into his head. 

"Okay, now he's dead," Pan said. 

"How weird," I muttered. 

*  *  * 

"How weird indeed, my dear Hentai Hunter," Bates muttered from his 
vantage point up on the roof of a nearby building. "I'll get you, doubt 
me not..." He posed on the rooftop for several long seconds. "...but right 
now, it's time for soaps!" He made a sweeping move that probably looked really 
cool if you wore a long coat, which he didn't. "Come, Bubbles! Let us return 
to our lair!" 

"Yes, Fli--" 

"THOU SHALT NOT CALL ME FLIDAIS!" *WHAP!* "By the way, what happened to 
those panties I sent you to get?" 

"Owie..." 

*  *  * 

In another building, Erik entered his room, rubbing his face with a 
towel. "Stupid spirits... the gear didn't do anything! I didn't even get the 
girl, you lousy piece of..." He dropped the towel and grabbed the furry bundle 
lying on his bed, shoving it into his trunk and shoving the trunk under the bed. 
"No way!" he said seemingly out loud. "I'm not going to wear that again. Yeah, 
that's what you said, and look how well it went." He shook his head. "Don't kid 
me. I passed all the rites. You can't say that." He grinned. "That's better. Good 
spirits." 

A orange-haired head bearing resemblance to Cody appeared in the doorway. 
"Hey man, you talking to yourself?" 

"...no." 

"O-kay," Cody replied, apparently taking Erik's word for it. "You wanna 
play some poker?" 

"Might as well." 

*  *  * 

NEXT TIME, ON HENTAI HUNTER GAIA... 

"Ah-HA! Now, Hentai Hunter, now I know your secret weakness!" 

"...what the heck are you talking about?" 

                                       ...OR NOT. 

*  *  * 


Author's notes: 

I hope you've enjoyed reading this episode as much as I've enjoyed 
writing it. Despite many duties stacking on my desk and distractions 
galore attempting to ruin my work, I managed to get this finished. It's 
totally insane, but did you expect anything else from me? ^_^ Mind you, I 
could have gone completely over the top. Wouldn't that have been sugoi? 


Author's thanks to his loyal minio^H^H^underl^H^H^prereaders: 

Thanks to Myth for prereading this part, threaten me with gratuitious and graphic 
bodily harm at regular intervals (Actually, she didn't. She said she would, but she 
didn't. I feel cheated. *sigh*), and coaxing me into writing this in the first place. 
Also thanks to Philip Barkow for  prereading and other hentai assistance. Everyone 
says I should seek professional help, so I hope they're happy. 


Author's shameless plug: 

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Shiver as reality as we know it is torn into shreds like so much office stationary! 
In other words, go read GMCA now! Now! Now! at: 
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Please direct comments, praise, flames, kumquats, very small churches, 
catgirls and comments to: a99jonst@student.his.se