So there I was, being offered some sort of "deal" by Flidais "Master" Bates the demonic hentai. I couldn't kill him because my hentai hunter powers were--not being helpful at the moment. (I am NOT explaining why again, you sickos.) What was worse, Bates had managed to find out about this, uh, weakness, and seemed fully prepared to take advantage of it. And there was still the demon-summoning Laura to deal with. And the mysterious shaman guy who had saved me earlier. And the aggressively lesbian Sarah Druantia. And Pan's whiny sister Morgan. And her supposed other hentai hunter Alex. And the slop they passed off as food at this camp. Usually at this point in the story I'd get to kill off some random hentai, but it didn't look like that was going to happen today. Which kind of sucked, cuz it was one of the few things I enjoyed about being... ===== HENTAI HUNTER GAIA The Syrian Stories co-mascot of DOOM! Original concept by Myth This part by John Evans, johne@mit.edu HHG hosted by Syrian Stories, http://myth.sandwich.net/impro/ss.htm PART VII: Advanced Hentai (for Dummies) DISCLAIMER! WAI! WAI! THIS FIC CONTAINS NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BAD BAD COMMONLY USED FOUR LETTER WORDS TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!! COLLECT THEM ALL!!! If reading about the lives of teenagers offends you/scares you/frightens you/ interests you you in a bad way/makes you lose your hair, please do not read this fic. Otherwise, enjoy! ===== "Deal?" I asked, not really having any witty comebacks left at the moment. "That's right!" Bates chortled. Gee, his dialogue couldn't be any *more* stock, could it? "It seems we have a common enemy!" Guess I was wrong. He looked at me like I was supposed to say "What enemy?" or something. Like *that* was going to happen. I folded my arms and glared at him, and he deflated a little. "I mean Laura," he finished lamely. "The demon summoner?" Pan asked. Fine, he could play straight man. Bates nodded, and Pan raised his eyebrows. "Interesting." "So you guys don't get along," I said. "It's not really that," Bates said. "I simply wish to become--the most POWERFUL HENTAI in the WORLD!" He struck a pose and waves crashed behind him. "I want to be, the very best. Like no one--" "Fine," I snapped. The background music cut out. "I was just going to take her out. You go away and leave us alone, and everything will be just peachy." "Ah, but will it?" Bates leered at me, and I ground my teeth. "You're not at your best. And this is bad, because Laura is vulnerable *now*." "Vulnerable?" Pan piped up. I rolled my eyes. Hell, he was playing right into Bates' hands. "Gaia-chan managed to defeat that demon she had," Bates replied, smirking. "It'll be a while before Laura can summon another of that level. Now is the time to strike! And that's why I've decided to help you." As I stared at him, he pulled something out of a pocket and threw it to me. "Take this, it will come in handy." I caught it reflexively and looked at it. It was a pink plastic thing, kind of like a long tube with a rounded-- I threw it back at him. "You SICKO!" I yelled. I tried to charge, but Pan was suddenly holding me back...Which was probably a good thing, as Bates had calmly caught the--yeah, in one hand. "It's your only chance of beating her," he said, tossing it on the bed. "Think it...over. I'm sure you can figure out what to do. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...OOOHOHOHOHOHO*coughack* eheh. Anyway." Bates ran over to the window, opened it, and jumped out. We all sort of stared after him, then I turned to Pan. "Pan, what the hell do I do?" "Uh...good question." Pan walked over to the bed and picked up the, uh, implement. "I wonder..." I put my hand companionably around Pan's throat. "Pan." "Okay!" he squeaked, flailing his arms. "I was just *wondering*!" "Don't. Don't even THINK about it." "Okay!" Pan dropped it on the floor, where it thudded dully. I released him and patted his head. "Good boy. Now, what the FUCK do I do?" "Uh, excuse me." We both turned to look at Alex, who was still lying on his bed. "Was that guy...a hentai?" I rolled my eyes. "Well, DUH!" "Wait," Pan said, frowning. "Couldn't you sense him?" "Well, no." Alex rubbed the back of his head. "I'm better at fighting." "Interesting," Pan murmured. "Stop saying that!" I snapped. "But...wait! You can defeat Laura for me, then! Right? Please?" I batted my eyes at Alex. "Who's Laura?" He just sort of looked at me. Ouch. "This girl who summons hentai demons and stuff," I replied. "Oh. Well, sure." Alex got up from the bed and started stretching. "Great!" Hey, we had a plan to get rid of Laura, *and* Bates was going to leave us alone. Things were going so well, I decided to give Alex a hug. "Thanks, big guy." And then I noticed--he was blushing? Wow. I suddenly wondered if maybe Alex hadn't really had a girlfriend or anything before. But that was silly, he was pretty good-looking... "So how did Bates get a hold of your panties, Gaia?" I punched Pan in the stomach. No "lazy powers" were going to keep me from doing *that*, at least. ===== Bubbles slumped on the grass, and sighed. "Why me...why must I be held captive like this? If only..." The little creature looked up at the clouds drifting through the sunny sky, and blinked his watery eyes. Then, after a few minutes, Bubbles smiled a little. Sure, Master Bates was insane and abusive, but he was off on his own business now. And that meant Bubbles had time off. Not only that, but it was *such* a nice day...he couldn't help but feel a little better, just being outside with the trees and birds. Bubbles sighed again, but a little happier this time. "Eep!" Bubbles jumped and flapped into the air. He whirled around to see an Asian girl hugging a laptop computer to her chest and staring at him. "Ack! I'm sorry!" he squeaked. "Um--it's okay." Bubbles realized the girl wasn't shrieking or running in fear, and in fact seemed to be looking at him with curiosity. "What--who are you?" she asked. "Uh...I'm, well, Bubbles." Bubbles looked nervously from side to side. He wasn't supposed to talk to strangers...but strangers were just friends you hadn't met. Or something. Was he getting his advice mixed up? "I'm a magical mascot--" Bubbles froze and dropped to the ground. He definitely wasn't supposed to tell anyone *that*...Master Bates was going to be angry... "Oh...Like in Card Captor Sakura? Wow, cool!" The girl squatted down and smiled at him. "Whose mascot are you?" "Uh--well it's kind of--a secret." Bubbles smiled weakly, then his eyes bulged as he realized he could see up the girl's skirt. "Oh! I understand. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." She smiled again, then (to Bubbles' infinite relief) she sat down, rearranging her skirt to cover everything. "What are you doing out here? If you don't mind me asking, of course." Bubbles looked around. "Well, it was such a beautiful day...you know." "So you're taking some time off?" She giggled. "Me too. My name's Jade, by the way." "It's nice to meet you." Bubbles smiled, feeling happy for the first time in quite a while. ===== "So where do we find Laura, anyway?" I asked. "AIIIIIEEEEEE!!!" "I don't think that'll be much of a problem," Pan replied. We were roaming through the main building, since that was the last place we'd seen Laura, when suddenly Sarah came running around a corner. She saw me and tried to run into my arms, but I stepped to one side. She ended up bouncing off of Alex and sprawling on the floor. Heh. "What is it this time, Sarah?" I asked. She looked up at me with big round eyes. Eep. "Gaia! It was another-- thing!" I almost fell over. "I thought she wasn't going to summon another one!" I yelled at the world in general. "He said she wasn't going to summon another one 'of that level'," Pan put in. "I think that means that this one is weaker." "Oh. NOW you tell me. Just great." I glanced back at Alex. He nodded to me, which made me feel a little better. Pan bent over to help Sarah up. Okay, no more cuddling for HIM. "What did this thing look like?" he asked. "Like...a THING! A monster!" She looked at me, but I crossed my arms and scowled, so she just stood there sniffling. "So it wasn't human then?" At Sarah's head shake, Pan nodded. "The ones that look human are more powerful. This one's weak." I frowned. "Since when?" "Since...like, always." Pan looked at me like I was nuts. Jerk. "Hey, I'm a watcher, I know these things." I rolled my eyes. "Fine. We'll take care of it. Run along, Sarah." "But you don't understand!" she wailed. "It had all these--" She gestured vaguely. I thought back to the other demon I'd fought--oh, yeah. "Uh, right. We get the picture." "I don't," Alex said. Oh, man. This was not turning out well. "You'll see," I said weakly. "Oh. Okay, then." "It's *not* okay!" an irritatingly familiar (or maybe familiarly irritating) voice said. "Morgan!" Sarah ran over to Morgan and glomped her. Heh. I had to choke back a laugh at Morgan's "this is weird but I should be nice anyway" expression. I amused myself with the thought of the expression she'd have after spending a night in that room. "Don't worry, Sarah, it's okay," Morgan said, sort of patting her on the back. "We'll take care of everything. You just go back to the room, okay?" Sarah sniffed. "Okay." Then she ran off. I shivered just a bit. Then suddenly I got that feeling again--and it was close! "There!" I yelled, pointing...then I noticed that a weird tentacled thing was already slithering around the corner. It looked like a reddish blob a few feet around squelching across the floor, but its tentacles were very, very long. Ew. "Oh, thank you for reminding us, Gaia," Morgan said sweetly, the bitch. I turned and threw a punch at her, but she dodged it easily, smirking. "Don't worry, Alex will take care of things from here. Alex, dear?" Alex nodded, and ran forward. After a couple of seconds he was tossed on his ass (and it was such a cute one, too) by one of the demon's, uh, appendages. I started to smirk at Morgan, but I just couldn't feel good about Alex being smacked down like that. Anyway, at that moment, Laura appeared. "OOOHOHOHO!" Laura laughed. We all took an involuntary step backward. "So we meet again, Hentai Hunter." Alex tried another charge, but was slapped back again. Laura grinned in a really evil sort of way. "And it doesn't matter how many cute guys or fashion-inept bimbos you have to help, you still won't be able to defeat me!" She stepped onto the demon and it started to carry her along. Okay, this looked bad. I racked my brain and remembered something. "Hey, Pan!" I called. "I don't suppose you have Gertrude on you?" "Gertrude?" Morgan squealed, making us all wince. "You're the one who took Gertrude?!? Mother and father thought I had--" "I know," Pan replied. "Thanks for covering for me, Morgan." Heh. As Morgan fumed, Pan pulled Gertrude the Titanium Carrot out of a pocket, but suddenly a thing of dark energy stuff (woo, way to be technical, Gaia) flew out and knocked it out of his hands. I looked back to see Laura smugly blowing on her fingers. "No holy metal vegetable is going to save you THIS time, hunter!" Laura crowed. "Fuck," I muttered. I tried to go for the carrot, but had to dodge a flailing tentacle. "Damn it!" I yelled. We all backed up a couple more steps. I looked behind and realized that we would soon be up against a wall. Strange how that expression suddenly made a lot more sense... "Gaia! Here!" Pan threw something else at me. I caught it reflexively, then noticed it was Bates' hentai thing. "PAN!" I advanced, but he waved his arms frantically. "Come on! What other chance do we have?" Well...he had a point, but...I looked down at what was in my hand. Actually...I could feel some sort of power radiating from it. Some sort of warm, dark... This time I really *did* throw the thing at Pan. "Use it yourself!" I yelled. Guys, huh? Can't live with 'em... Laura closed her eyes. "Ah, there's nothing like savoring a victory." Then she opened them. "Well, that's enough of that. Prepare to--" And then a guy dropped down between us and her. He seemed to be clad in flowing white robes. No, wait a minute, they were sheets. I had the same kind on *my* bed. Well, at least it was slightly better than the 'shaman' look. "Not you again!" Laura exclaimed. She threw another dark thingy, but the guy held up something I couldn't see and--well, I couldn't tell what happened, but the attack didn't do anything. "Who the hell is *that*?" Morgan muttered. "Shut up, Morgan," Pan said calmly. "Bastard!" Laura snapped, a new ball of dark energy forming in her hands. "I'll--Ack!" Suddenly her demon roared and convulsed, and she fell off, sprawling on the ground. As the monster slumped into a small pile, I noticed Gertrude sticking out of what I hoped was one of its mouths. I turned to see Morgan beaming. "See, Alex *is* the better hunter!" I looked at Alex. "You did that?" He nodded solemnly. I grinned and gave him another hug. "Thanks!" After releasing Alex, I noticed Morgan glaring--and was that a flicker of *jealousy* on Pan's face? Tee-hee. ^^_v Then I turned back to the mysterious bedsheeted guy, and he was looking back at me. He'd made the sheets into some sort of mask/turban, but I could see deep into his mysterious hazel eyes...Then he winked at me, and ran off again. Sigh...Unfortunely, my moment of melting was interrupted by Laura running off. "Gaia!" Pan said. "We have to go after her while she's still weak!" "Yeah, whatever." I rolled my eyes and we all ran after her. ===== Laura burst into the room and slammed the door behind her. She leaned down and fumbled at the lock. "Damn it!" she muttered. "I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those damn kids and their fucking metal carrot!" The sorceress let out a cry of frustration and kicked the door, then turned. And stared. The room had been ransacked. All the shelves were empty, the cupboard doors hung open forlornly, and even her sacred aromatic candles had been stolen, leaving only sad little blobs of wax at the corners of the chalk pentagram. And across the room, one leg out an open window, was Flidais Bates. "YOU!" Laura screeched. He looked up and smirked. "Ah, Laura-chan, so nice to see you again." Bates heaved a bag out the window. "Well, not really, but I can't help being polite." Laura started for him, but he held up one finger. "Ah, ah, ah! You have more important things to worry about, don't you?" He looked pointedly at the door. Laura turned back, and paled. She could hear footsteps, approaching...She turned back. "Bates--Flidais! You can't do this to me!" "Thou shalt not call me Flidais!" he snapped. "And yes I can. Bye!" The hentai jumped out the window. Laura looked around the room frantically, and then spotted one last book. She ran over, grabbed it off the shelf and began frantically flipping through. ===== I led the way into the room because, well, I'm the heroine. "All right, Laura! You're fucked now!" Yeah, everyone stared at me, but come on! I was really sick of the whole 'Laura' thing by now. Laura looked up from a book--'Demon Summoning for Dummies'? You have GOT to be kidding me--and glared at us. At least, she tried to, but mostly she just looked scared. "I'm not going down without a fight!" "What, the last one wasn't enough for you?" I brandished Gertrude in her general direction. Yes, I felt SO much more secure waving a metal carrot around. "Give up while you still have the chance!" Pan leaned over to me. "I thought we were going to kill her anyway?" I scratched my head. "Uh..." Just then Laura started chanting. Everyone tensed and suddenly another tentacled thing burst out of the ground behind her. The stench of brimstome filled the air. I readied Gertrude-- But then the thing seized Laura. "Hey!" she squeaked. "What are you-- unhand me!" "Now, now," the demon (it had to be a demon, right?) burbled. "You've already gone through two demons in as many days, and now you're trying to call us up without the proper rituals? I mean, where's the pentagram? Where are the tomes of dark knowledge? Where are the aromatic candles?" Pan and I shared a mystified glance. "They were stolen!" Laura shrieked. "But listen! I can--" "Nope, sorry." The demon started to drag Laura over to the hole it had come out of. "We've cut you enough slack already." As we all gaped, it tossed the sorceress into the hole...then turned back to wave a tentacle at us. "Sorry for the inconvenience. Now then, dear, Regulation 76-D clearly states..." Then the thing slipped back into the hole, which closed without a trace. We were all silent for a few moments. Then Pan turned to face an invisible camera. "The moral of the story, kids--Demons are Bad News!" "Yeah, don't drink and summon." I ran a hand through my hair and rolled my eyes. "Well, I'm certainly glad THAT'S over with." I turned to the other members of my group. "Thanks for all your help, Alex." He smiled, which was kind of cute. "And no thanks for you, Morgan, since you were just a whiny bitch the whole time." I smiled sweetly. Morgan hmphed. "Hmph! Fine then. I know when I'm not wanted." ("That's news to me," I heard Pan mutter.) "I'll just go back to my room and see you all tomorrow." She turned on her heel and stalked off down the hall. "Aw...don't worry, Morgan," I called after her. "I'm sure your other roommates will be very friendly." I saw the girl turn and blink at me. "Uh...really?" "Yep! Very friendly!" "...Uh, thanks, Gaia." She sort of waved, and turned to walk off again. Pan walked up to stand beside me. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this. I mean, she *is* my sister and all." "Whatever. Hey, let's go introduce Alex around." "All right. Come on, Alex." "Okay." ===== Bates pushed and pulled on the shelf a little. Satisifed that it was stable, he put his copy of 'Demon Summoning for Dummies' on one left side. Then next to that dark and evil tome he placed an even darker and more evil volume... 'Advanced Demon Summoning for Dummies'. Bates allowed himself a chortle, which grew into a full blown maniacal laugh as he looked over the day's spoils. Then he turned on the TV and watched Card Captor Sakura. Yow. ===== NEXT TIME, ON HENTAI HUNTER GAIA... "Come on, I just defeated Laura, like, yesterday! Don't I ever get to SLEEP?" "The forces of hentai wait for no man..." "Hello! I'm NOT a man!" "Yes, I've checked." ===== Author's note Whee. ^_^; Uh, hm. Thanks to Philip Barkow for prereading and catching nasty little errors, and Myth for prereading and cheering-on. Oh, and if you *really* have no clue what The Thing was, go read about Pretty Sailor Strap- On's attack in Nut-Punch Kamen #1. (And if you're not old enough to know what this is either. In fact, why are you even reading this story? :P ) John Evans johne@mit.edu 5/13/00 Beware the Radish