A group of goons sat on large wooden crates stamped with postage seals and stickers. One goon was noticeably bigger than the rest, so we have reason to believe that he was the boss of the group. You may be wondering what this group of goons was doing. Why the heck would they be hanging out in an abandoned warehouse? A) Because that's what goons do. B) Because it's *WAY* too cliche. C) Because they're operating an Edible Underwear Ring, and would prefer not to be caught, you poopy-head. The goons were quietly murmuring amongst themselves when out of nowhere a blood red rose embedded itself in the foot of the larger goon who we agreed to call boss. "Ouchies!" went the goon in an overly campy voice. "Come out here right now so I can kick your ass, you big meanie!" And lo, out from the shadows, a menacing figure appeared... and posed. "Beware, evil doers, for I, Nut-Punch Kamen, will destroy your ability to reproduce!" The goons did multiple things. Some "..."ed, while others crossed their legs. Still others o_O;;'ed, but a few of them just stayed with a good 'ole >_<;;. And so, Nut-Punch Kamen was faced with a menacing challenge. It was horridly evil, and evilly horrid. It was his worst nightmare, a fate worse than death... It was the fearful cloud shaped like a group of once plotting goons! And with that, Nut-Punch Kamen -_-;;ed. A feminine voice rose behind him. "Dammit, Shinji! You let them get away again!" "Hush, oh fair Princess Titty-Twister! My name is..." *pose!* "NUT-PUNCH KAMEN!!!" A scantily clad 16-year-old girl with silvery white hair and deep, dark-green eyes seemed to ooze from the overlapping shadows of the warehouse. The hem of her heavily customized black and red velvet fuku fluttered in the conveniently placed and somewhat fan-service-ish breeze. "And my name is Naoko, *NOT* Princess Titty-Twister. Got it?!" "Yes, Princess Titty-Twister!" And so, brave Nut-Punch Kamen was throttled. "PURPLE NURPLE OF LOVE AND JUSTICE!!!!!!!!" "OOOOW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! LET GO!!!" "Not until you say you're sorry!" "In the name of the sacred Nut-Punch, I--" "COCK-TEASE OF THE SEVENTH LEVEL OF PURGATORY!!!" "...Urk..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MISADVENTURES OF NUT-PUNCH KAMEN! Created by Myth Episode 1: In the Name of the Sacred Nut-Punch I Punish You! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the center of a dark, large room that resembled the hideout of the bad-guy in any magical girl fic, except for the fact that outside the door, a sign saying "NO, THIS IS NOT THE HIDEOUT OF THE BAD GUY!!! GO AWAY SILLY PERSON!", sat a person. It was a woman... definitely a woman... and this woman sat, her pale skin illuminated by the very convenient spotlight that originated from the dark depths of absolutely nowhere. The woman was very well developed. *VERY.* Let's just leave it at Naga meets Morrigan meets Mai meets Shermie meets Felicia meets Shampoo. And her outfit was... well... Let's just say that all her competent minions were out cold on the floor due to nosebleeds. "Ohohohoooo!" the woman said with a voluptuous bounce, causing another one of the minions to nosebleed and pass out. Sighing, the woman flipped her blue hair over her shoulder and leaned on her hand, squeezing the orbs in front of her together by accident, taking out two more of the pathetic minions. Only her youma general was left, and personally, she didn't think he enjoyed the company of women in that way. "My dear General Third-Leg..." the woman started. "How is our mission against Nut-Punch Kamen going?" "Dark Queen Blue-Balls," he stated as he kneeled down in front of the woman. "We have again failed. Our edible underwear ring has collapsed due to an irrational fear of a loss of genitalia." The Dark Queen quirked an eyebrow, "Irrational fear of a loss of genitalia?" "Yes, an irrational fear of a loss of genitalia." The Dark Queen sweatdropped mightily. "Then we need someone who has no fear of losing their genitalia?" "Yes, my queen." "Then why don't you get out there?" "..." The Dark Queen tittered and said the words that led to a looming scene change: "I wonder what the little twerp is up to right at this very moment of time?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "PRETTY CAPTAIN COTTON-SHOT!!! Regulation 36.5.789234.ef235.49er.7b of the Pretty Senshi Code states that your skirt is way too short/high/conveniently-hentai!!! The Anti-Fanservice Brigade must punish you for your crimes against fan-service!" Cotton-Shot stood her ground, one hand on her slightly cocked hip. If they thought they were gonna get her to change her outfit, they were dead wrong. She liked this fuku! So what if the pink and blue skirt barely covered her white underwear? So what if the top was so low cut that it showed off her well-developed chest? So what if her naval was pierced? They should learn to live with it! Twirling a ringlet of scarlet red hair with her index finger, she narrowed her eyes and sized up the five girls challenging her. Hm...They were absolutely no match for her... She shrugged. Eh, may be good practice. Placing her hands in a triangle in front of her, she almost closed her eyes as she began to concentrate. The other girls looked at her, trying to calculate her next move, her next-- "VICTORIA'S SECRET BLAST OF WAI!!!" "WAAH!" The AFS girls tried to shield themselves from the blast to no avail. "LEMON SQUIRTLE!" "AAH! OUCHIES!" "VOLUPTUOUS BOUNCE OF NEXT TUESDAY!!!" The energy ate up their prudishly long skirts and left them crying on the floor. "INDECENT EXPOSURE BLAST OF WAH WAH!!!" "AAAIIIIEEE!!!" "PANTYDOKEN!!!!" "GAH! EEE!!!!" The AFS Brigade began to high-tail it. Nuh-uh. Not on her time. "Hey, you little *#&$^!!! Get your magical girl asses back here so I can kick the living #(&*$^ out of you *#&^$@(!!!" The oldest of the five stopped and turned towards her, her fuku now in shreds. Her breath ragged, she pointed an accusatory finger at Cotton-shot. "You will not survive! CENSOR BAR OF ULTIMATE DOOM!!!" Cotton-shot quirked an eyebrow and did five backflips in a row, landing on one foot and preparing for another attack as she evaded the big black rectangle heading toward her. "TWINK THIS, BITCH!!!" Cotton-shot leapt into a barrage of fast punches and kicks, putting the oldest AFS member down for a quick dirt-nap. Wiping a few beads of sweat from her brow, she looked at downed magical girl, then at the ground, and then back at the magical girl. "OOOOOOH, YEAH!!! (*&^$#!!! TAKE THAT YOU @$*(&^#$!!!" She then did a *MASSIVE* pelvic thrust in the general direction of nowhere. "I hope that teaches you a lesson, (#*$^&." Walking away from the body into the sunset, Pretty Captain Cotton-shot made a dramatic silhouette against the fading sun. Well, it was dramatic until she was tackled by a rather familiar kamen... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Ite..." ite'd Pretty Captain Cotton-shot. Naoko groaned, then stood up on top of Nut-Punch Kamen's chest just as he decided to stand up, knocking her down once again. "To the PANTYVERSE!" Nut-Punch Kamen exclaimed as the three disappeared in a puff of smoke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Pantyverse was a very odd place. The meadows were composed of a strange, cottony material, with a suspicious looking item far off in the distance that resembled something like a label... And in the center of this meadow of strange, cottony material lay a strange, gothic hideout. Gothic in the sense that the inner walls were made from the bones and blood of a million bishounens, the sight of which would make any self respecting fangirl weep in horror and pity. Within the depths of the hideout, there was a room. Yes, that is stating the obvious, but this was a special room. This room had a giant vat of... *Dramatic pause* Grape Jell-O! But right now, we're focusing on the room across the hall from it. "But Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot! Did you really have to beat down the Anti-Fanservice Brigade? They are, in fact, heroes like ourselves!" Shinji exclaimed in that deep kamen voice of his. Cotton-Shot snorted at the Kamen. "They were #$@&*(^ pissing me off, stupid (@*&#$^ prudes..." And lo, Nut-Punch Kamen sweatdropped mightily. "...Right..." Naoko entered the room, fingering the very low collar of her shirt. "Hey, I got a reading..." "What the @#$(&*^ is it this time?" Cotton-Shot spat as she sat down and put her feet up on the table, eliciting a nosebleed from Nut-Punch Kamen. "The Booty Crew." Shinji recovered from the nosebleed, hauled himself up off the floor, wobbled perilously, and then collapsed onto the table. "And who are they?" "Five horny magical girls and a kamen with an underdeveloped libido," Cotton-Shot snorted. Naoko continued. "Yes, Uber-Kawaii Senshi Anal-Bead, Magical Knight Nympho, Lovely Princess S&M, Pretty Sailor Strap-On, and Spiffy Captain Clitoris, along with their kamen, Douche Bag Kamen." Shinji gasped. "My arch nemesis Douche Bag Kamen! I haven't seen him in years!" Cotton-Shot poked the kamen with her boot. "What the (#*$& are you talking about? You saw him yesterday at Wal-Mart." And thus, Nut-Punch Kamen sweatdropped. Trying to cover up for himself, Nut-Punch replied tersely, "Well, I mean since I fought with him." "You were fighting over the last tube of Pringles, you #$*(&," Cotton-Shot corrected. "..." was all the Kamen had left to say. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Youma General Third-Leg entered the room, followed by a line of five magical girls and a lonesome kamen. "My Queen, may I present to you... The Booty Crew." Dark Queen Blue-Balls smirked in distracted interest, looking at the group in the same manner one might look at an immobile goldfish. Crossing her arms in front of her (which had the added affect of amplifying her cleavage tenfold, taking out any minions within a ten foot radius), she stood up and made her way to the first girl. "State your name." "The name's Uber-Kawaii Senshi Anal-Bead..." the girl purred as she licked her dark colored lips seductively. Her pink hair reaching to the hem of her fan-service-ish skirt, the girl dragged a blood red colored nail down the caramel skin of her chest and toward the general direction of her ample (but not that ample) cleavage. "At you service... if you catch my drift." The second girl looked up from the ground, her bright blue eyes flashing with light. She was probably the shortest and most under-developed of the girls, looking about twelve or so. "I'm Magical Knight Nympho," the girl said as she turned her head to both sides quickly, making her short brown hair bounce. Poking the previous magical girl, she whispered/whined, "Where'd you put the vibrator?!" Almost choking at the last statement, the Dark Queen continued on. The next girl seemed really quirky... "Hello! I'm Spiffy Captain Clitoris!" the green-haired girl exclaimed as she jumped up to shake the Dark Queen's hand. Removing her hand from the girl's grasp she moved on. The next girl wore a leather jacket and flashed a gang sign as she said, "Yo, I'm Pretty Sailor Strap-On. 'Sup?" The last girl cocked her head to the side and smiled in an almost cat-like manner. She wore a leather fuku, thigh-high leather boots, fishnets, and had more cleavage than her predecessors, but of course, significantly less than our beautiful Dark Queen Blue-Balls. "And I'm Lovely Princess S&M. Pleased to be of value." The Dark Queen eyed the male slouched against the wall next to S&M. "Who's the Kamen?" Eyeing the boy as well, she asked, "Oh... Him?" After receiving a nod from the Dark Queen, S&M tersely replied, "That's Douche Bag Kamen. He doesn't put out, but he has a really big--" "Pecker!" exclaimed a bird watcher in Canada. "It's a woodpecker!" "--and we're hoping to get him to use it someday." "...Right..." Composing herself after a massive sweatdrop, the Dark Queen took a deep breath. "Now go, my children! Go to destroy..." *obscenely close however off-aim closeup of her breasts, which then focuses upward towards her face* "Nut-Punch Kamen!" And lo, the scene change, as if cued by that last remark. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Eh, Shinji was a very disturbed child. He was all depressed and stuff until he discovered the ancient art of the Nut-Punch. Then he just went insane. He Nut-Punched everything. He Nut-Punched bullies, teachers, police-men, hell, he even Nut-Punched himself!" Cotton-shot shuddered. "#*$(%&, that's gotta hurt..." Naoko looked at the girl, "Well, how else do you think he got so good, Himitsu-chan?" "I didn't think about it before..." "That's probably preferable." Nut-Punch Kamen lurked behind the two girls as they chatted. About what, he did not know, but surely it was noble, just, and not too hentai. Suddenly, he noticed a presence before them. Five magical girls. Five magical girls with an insatiable hunger for something... ew. "Naoko! Lookit these (@#*& magical girls! I got a bad vibe..." Naoko looked up from the ground. "Yes... I see..." The five female members of the Booty Crew blocked the road in front of the two. They *GLARED* at each other. Then, the five hightailed it. "C'mon Naoko! We can't let them @#$(*^& get away!" Naoko followed Cotton-shot, leaving Nut-Punch behind in a cloud of dust. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "C'mon Himitsu! Faster!" Naoko spurred Cotton-shot on as they pursued the other five magical girls. "Okay, okay, okay... *&@^$..." Himitsu huffed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nut-Punch Kamen stood alone in the misty street, Cotton-shot and Naoko having left him alone. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing. Perhaps he should have followed them. Perhaps he should move as to avoid dying. And lo, a razor sharp tampon fell from the angry cloudy skies and embedded itself in Nut-Punch Kamen's skull! Oh woe! Well, we'd be saying that if Nut-Punch Kamen hadn't moved at the last second. "Gasp!" gasped Nut-Punch Kamen. "A razor sharp tampon!" The tampon glittered as if on cue. "This can only be the work of the notorious, evil, prudish, mean..." "That's quite enough, Nut-Punch Kamen!" a voice tersely replied out of the darkness. "Now let me get this speech out of the way..." "Oh, okay," Shinji replied as he patiently waited. "*Ahem!* So... We meet again, arch nemesis Nut-Punch Kamen! The last time we fought, you won, but this time I shall not let you live! You have embarrassed me too much!" Shinji remained silent. Glaring at the skinny kamen, Douche Bag Kamen ahemed. "You're supposed to say something..." "Oh, right..." Shinji shook his head of thick brown hair and blinked his big blue-grey eyes. "Gasp! Douche Bag Kamen!" The opposing kamen rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then struck a pose. "This time we finish it! There may be only one!" A loud announcer-type voice yelled "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!" as both kamens sweatdropped mightily. Nut-Punch Kamen puffed out his chest hopefully as Douche Bag Kamen exclaimed, "And now... we fight!" Nut-Punch Kamen quirked an eyebrow at his opponent. Hmm, he seemed to be bigger than last time he saw him... But that was of no matter. All the Kamens had a weak point. It was very clear what he had to do. "In the name of the sacred Nut-Punch I--" "FEMININE HYGENE PRODUCT!" *FWOOSH!* "EEE! EW! WHAT IS THAT LIQUIDY STUFF?!" Nut-Punch Kamen squealed. "MAXI--" Before Douche Bag Kamen could let out another disgusting attack, Nut-Punch Kamen lunged forward and did what he did best. He Nut-Punched. He Nut-Punched nuts of steel. "Iteiteiteiteiteiteiteiteiteite!!!" "HAHA! I came prepared!" Whimpering slightly as Douche Bag Kamen grabbed his throat and picked him up, Nut-Punch Kamen noticed that time seemed to slow down, and a single spotlight focused on a fuku-clad figure standing on the roof of a nearby building... Naoko... Suddenly, quiet chanting arose. "Foreplay in the twilight, before you go to bed... What happened? You can't get it up? Willy's slain and dead... I pledge myself to conquer the single limp--" "Dick!" an elderly woman exclaimed. "Dinner's ready!" "--who stands... Against the mighty gift bestowed on my unworthy hand..." "Oh shit," Douche Bag Kamen squeaked. "VIAGRAAAAAAAAAA... SLAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!" And lo, Douche Bag Kamen rose. And rise he did. H_H ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somewhere that was away, a battle raged. Flashes of light and obscene attack names were the basic scene. Much billowy smoke and pain were present. "ORGASMIC RELEASE STRIKE!!!" yelled Spiffy Captain Clitoris as she leveled a ball of energy at Cotton-shot that missed, much to the surprise of the readers. "THRUST!!!" Magical Knight Nympho squealed as she launched herself at Cotton-shot who flipped over the girl. "LESBIANISTIC FANTASY!" screamed Uber-Kawaii Senshi Anal-bead as she flung a mind warping wave of sound at Cotton-shot. As always, Cotton-shot miraculously evaded. "DOUBLE DILDO BLAST!" Pretty Sailor Strap-On screeched as she let off a blast of sickeningly green energy. Cotton-Shot noted that the girl had crappy aim. Now, all that was left was that S&M girl. Cotton-shot shuddered. She had never been into that kind of (@#*&$^. Might as well put this girl out... *whu-CRACK!* The girl's whip lashed out and wrapped around Cotton-Shot's neck, cutting off her immediate oxygen supply. Spinning the girl towards herself, S&M nibbled on Himitsu's ear and whispered an obscene comment or two in it as well. Suddenly, S&M collapsed, as Naoko had hit her over the head with a chair. "OK, Himitsu. Time to get you and Shinji home..." Then Naoko shuddered as she thought about the words she had to utter to get home. "*sigh* To the Pantyverse," she said flatly as she and her two partners disappeared in a puff of smoke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And lo, Douche Bag Kamen's phallic organ rose... and rose and rose... Twitching perilously, S&M looked upwards toward the source of the object blocking out the sun. "What the... Is that...?" By now, Nympho had gotten up as well. "I think it is..." "It's... it's... Douche Bag Kamen's--" "--DONG DING DONG!" went the bell. "Aye blimey!" exclaimed Quasimodo as he hopped from the bell to the ledge. "What the hell! That looks like a giant--" "--prick! Like, I can't believe he did that to you!" the blonde bimbo exclaimed to her friend. Looking up, she covered her mouth as she gasped. "Like, ohmigawd! Is that a--" "--JOHNSON!" yelled the sergeant. "Yes sir?" "Get me readings on that thing in the radar. That--" "--Penis is the male reproductive organ, otherwise known as schlong, wanker, purple-headed yogurt slinger, and--" "--COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!!!" screeched the rooster. "Damn rooster, I've got a hankerin' for ringin' your neck. 'The hell? Is that a giant--" "--Wang! What do you think your doing?!" yelled the teacher in China. "I'm sorry! I was just fascinated by that thing rising above the horizon!" "What? That looks like a gigantic--" "--IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!" yelled the female members of the Booty Crew as they ran towards their kamen and glomped him. Wai! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Damn. I'm really immature aren't I? Thanks to Chaobino for his brain-fart that spurred this on. Thanks to Demota, RanmaX, John Evans, and Jonotan for pre-reading. Thanks for putting up with this horribly deformed mass of sillyness. ^.^ ~Myth