As Douche Bag Kamen rapidly became the world's largest organic sundial, The Booty Crew sprang into action. "Wai! I'll get the whipped cream!" "Dibs on first go!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MISADVENTURES OF NUT-PUNCH KAMEN! Created by Myth This part by Eslington, Episode 2: Neatly avoiding any jokes about self-insertion... This part specifically NOT dedicated to my Economics teacher, who assigned me another essay the day after I signed up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dark Queen Blue Balls looked out the window and sighed. The new skyscraper that seemed to have appeared on the skyline recently was blocking the light that should have been going onto her small garden of roses. "My dear General Third Leg," she began, turning back towards her faithful General, causing three faceless minions to collapse from nosebleeds. "It seems the Booty Crew has failed. What can possibly be done?" "Well my queen," said the General as he stepped to the side to avoid a falling faceless faithful. "So far our plans have lacked... subtlety." "Subtlety?" asked the Queen. "Yes. If you'll look at our previous servants," said the General, holding up a small collection of files. "Happy Princess Prozac, Sane Sailor Schizo, Pretty Queen Narcolepsy... The list goes on, my queen." "Hmm..." purred Dark Queen Blue Balls sensuously, taking out another three minions. "I see what you mean. What do you suggest?" "I believe it would be best to hire a more subtle team. Private investigators who could uncover the secret identity of Nut Punch Kamen so we can anticipate his next move and lay a trap for him." "I believe that's a very good idea," answered Dark Queen Blue Balls. "Bring me the finest detective in the land!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Meanwhile, back in the Pantyverse... Naoko sighed as she leaned back in the chair, feeling the energy flow into her, replenishing her reserves of stamina and recharging her mystical abilities. Some types of magic are based upon people's belief in the mage, some are based on the caster's ability to draw on ambient energies, some are based on personal strength, and some are based on the caster's ability to make rabbits appear out of hats. Naoko's magic, however, was based upon the attraction people felt towards her. With this fact in mind, the hall of fanboys had been created. The hall was in fact a large circular room with a chair in the centre where Naoko sat and sixty cages placed around the sides of the room in which were imprisoned sixty fanboys. Whenever Naoko's power was drained, she simply returned to the hall and sat patiently as the lust of the young, libidally over-endowned men recharged her powers. The only problem with it was that Naoko found it extremely very boring. [This gets more boring very time,] thought Naoko, feeling her will to save the world slowly ebb away. As she always did when she felt her will slip, she reminded herself of the ancient prophecy given to her by the strange old man she's met fifteen months ago... "When Dark Queen Blue Balls holds dominion over the land, lots of really bad stuff will happen. Involving cucumbers." Feeling her resolve return, Princess Titty-Twister sat back and resumed making fanboys drool. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was unanimously agreed by those in the know that should the services of the finest detective in the world be required, one should simply pick up the phone and dial 555-3027 and hire the services of Mark Targett. Unfortunately for Dark Queen Blue Balls, her secretary accidentally dialled 555-3827, and was put through to an entirely different detective agency. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *BRRRRING* rang the phone crisply and clearly. On the other side of the room, two men stopped looking through a filing cabinet and looked over at the phone in slight surprise. The shorter of the two walked towards the desk. "I'll get it," said the man with a smile. "No, wait!" said the other. "What if that's not the phone ringing, but really a bomb disguised as a phone, place here by the dastardly Disguise Master?" *BRRRRING* rang the phone again. "Sounds like a phone to me, boss," said the shorter man, reaching down to pick up the receiver. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the taller man as he tackled the man to the floor. "I won't let you forfeit your life in vain, Will!" *BRRRRING* "Stop it! If you don't get off me, we might lose another case!" Will protested. A small fight began which ended with Will knocking the other man back with an effective kick to the groin. Taking advantage of the moment, he grabbed the receiver. "Hello? Danger Detective Agency, William Peril speaking." The other man immediately dove behind the desk and went into a duck-and-cover position. After a few minutes, he felt a tapping on his back. Looking up, he saw his faithful assistant looking down at him. "Boss," said William. "We've got a job. Some woman wants us to track down one of their enemies." The man stood up and turned away from William. "Another troubled dame had called on me, Richard Danger, and my bungling assistant, William Peril," said the detective to no-one. "It was a tough assignment, but I never could resist a gal in trouble." His bungling assistant sweatdropped. "Anyway," said William, holding up a piece of paper. "She wants to meet us at this address in two hours." Richard reached over and took the paper out of William's hands. "I knew the address was a fake," said Richard. "Obviously some sort of code which I would have to use all the power of my mind to crack. But I had a hunch that the real address was somewhere by the docks." "I'll drive," said William, determined not to waste another afternoon running around the waterfront. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The sound of frantic activity filled the air, sweat poured off the young man's brow as he thrust forward once again, and the girl panted with effort. Finally, a point was released where the man's activities were too much, and the milky liquid flooded out, spattering over his skin and dripping to the floor. "Oh dear," said Shinji, looking down. "There goes another." Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot came to the end of a long series of kicks and punches and sighed as she leaned against her punching bag. "Damn it, Shinji," said the magical girl, breathing heavily. "Why do you keep training with those ^(*$^-^£ing coconuts anyway? Use the punching bag, you &*^(ing moron!" "Ah, but I cannot train without visual aids," said Nut Punch Kamen. "The punching bag lacks any genitalia to hit, so I must train with these tropical fruits." Himitsu rolled her eyes. "You don't have to be so %(&(^%ing literal. Besides, that coconut milk makes a %*(& mess on the floor." "Very well, Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot, I shall work on my ultimate accuracy technique," he said, producing a bag of peanuts from his pocket. "I may need this training in order to defeat the terrible Dark Queen Blue Balls to defend truth, justice and focused eugenics." "How the ^%$^%$£$ are you going to do that? Dark QUEEN Blue Balls doesn't have any balls you ^£^% ninny." "It is my hope that I can reform the queen and turn her to the path of goodness." "By punching people in the nuts?" "Indeed Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot. With the sacred power of the Nut-Punch I shall unite the world!" "Suit yourself," said Himitsu, returning to her punching bag. "I'm just in on this for the outfit and the right to kick some ^$£^£$(^& magical girl ass." "Fair enough my lady," said Shinji. "But I can only begin to imagine what dark deeds the Queen is plotting as we speak." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Y' fancy goin' down to the bar after work?" said the man. "Nah. Can't. I promised the admin I'd work overtime preparing for the next episode," replied his companion as he drained his mug of tea. "Really? Doing what?" "Well for the next episode I need to pre-tear and then poorly repair some of the cast's costumes to make convenient accidents easier." "Ah I see," said the man, taking a sip of his tea. "Y'going to croquet practice on Tuesday?" "Well that depends on whether-" "HEY!" shouted the author. "What are you doing?" "We're on our break," answered the man. "Haven't you been paying attention?" asked the author. "That last line was an obvious cue for a scene change!" "Whoops, sorry," said the man, standing up. "C'mon everybody, we've got to get the set ready for the next scene!" "Thank you," said the author, turning away and muttering to himself. "Honestly you can't get the staff these days." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As the two men walked into the room, Dark Queen Blue Balls leaned forwards looking over the two men before her in the same matter that a farmer looks over cattle. The younger man she'd heard had been referred to as William was of roughly average height and build and had light grey eyes with short brown hair. Despite being clean shaven, he was rapidly gaining the image of a blood red moustache. The taller of the two seemed to be unaffected by her beauty, lacking even a trace of lust on his face. The man's face was square-jawed and poorly shaven with nicotine stained teeth. His short black hair tumbled out from under a Trilby hat and came to a stop just above his eyes which darted about the room, as if hoping to catch a clue from the corner of his eye. He wore a long brown raincoat, dark trousers, a white shirt and an extremely loud green and tangerine tie. "So, you are the finest detectives in the land?" said the queen. "The dame seemed a little optimistic about my abilities," said Richard. "But she seemed to be willing to engage my services for a fair price." "..." said Dark Queen Blue Balls. "Dob't listen to hib," said William, his voice muffled by the blood loss to his nose. "Ie canb do yu job ib you cab bay ub." "Pardon?" asked the Queen, leaning forward a little, taking out three more minions and pushing William's nasal constitution to it's limits. "My assistant had always been a sucker for a pretty face," narrated Richard. "And though I may not be exactly innocent to the charms of women, I knew a disguise when I saw one." "What?" asked Dark Queen Blue Balls, turning towards Richard. William took this opportunity to clean the blood off his face and shirt. "'Me and my bungling assistant are up to the job, Ma'am,' I said, pretending to be fooled by the expert transvestite's cunning disguise." Any minions who had not collapsed from blood loss collapsed from facefaulting. William took advantage of the fact that the Queen had turned away from him and spoke. "Don't worry about him Madam, he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic, if you catch my drift." "Really?" asked the queen sceptically. "You should've seen the time he thought Evil Empress Eros was a man, that was funny." Dark Queen Blue Balls raised her eyebrow, Eros was a well developed woman (though not as well as her of course) who wore a golden outfit that covered less than ten square centimetres of skin, most of which went into her sandals. The queen looked at the Richard's face, searching for any hint of humour or doubt in his features. She considered arguing the point, but somehow instinctively knew that even stripping herself naked and then having her doctor come in to prove she was a woman wouldn't work. The Queen turned back to the shorter of the men, frowning at Richard's immunity to her charms. William avoided more nosebleeding by forcing himself to focus on the queen's forehead. "I need you to uncover the identity of a man who has been troubling me for quite some time," she said, producing a photograph from... somewhere. Richard took the small picture and studied it carefully. The photograph showed a scene he'd seen in a newspaper recently, showing the infamous Nut-Punch Kamen standing victoriously over the form of a de-manned bank robber. "Any idea where this guy's been recently?" asked William, slipping the photograph into his pocket. "Actually, he and his associates struck quite recently," said the queen. "Where?" Wordlessly, Dark Queen Blue Balls pointed out the window. William turned and looked up (and up, and up, and up...) at the large male organ there. "Well," said William, sweatdropping. "At least it'll be easy to find..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dark Queen Blue Balls smiled gleefully as Shinji unbuttoned his trousers, his hands twitching in anticipation. "Oh my, Nut-Punch Kamen, you have such a large-" "Hey!" shouted the author. "Yes?" replied Nut-Punch Kamen. "The lemon scene doesn't happen in this episode! This bit's out of continuity." "Are you sure?" asked a member of the production team. "Yes! Now get to the scene where Richard and William meet the Booty Crew, and bring Douche Bag Kamen in here." There was a few minutes of fumbling as backgrounds were changed, lighting fixtures adjusted and props placed. "Er... Sir?" said one of the workers? "Yes?" responded the author. "It's Douche Bag Kamen Sir... We're having trouble fitting him through the door to the set." The author sighed, reflecting that you just couldn't get the staff these days. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Richard sighed and lit his cigarette, taking a drag from the filtered end to make it burn faster. Flicking his zippo lighter closed he blinked as the world around him became dark except for the orange glow of fire at the end of his cigarette. He turned up and looked at the giant vaguely cylindrical object that had blocked out the sun. "The air in the city was thick that day," said Richard. "Thick with possibility. I just knew that something with far reaching consequences was going to happen today... If only I had known what danger I was getting into." "Hey boss," said William. "Let's go and look for clues around that giant dick over there." "Maybe it was something in the air," narrated Richard. "Maybe it was my senses playing tricks on me... But I knew there was something strange about that penis." "Of course there's something odd about it," responded William. "Penises, in my experience, are not usually large enough to reach to the top of skyscrapers." "My partner's naïveté prevented him from seeing the clear truth..." said Richard. "The truth that the members of a secret government conspiracy had erected a large phallic structure in the middle of the city." "... Why?" asked Richard. "I knew that my partner could not comprehend the truth, so though it went against all of my instincts, I had to lie to him," narrated Richard before he turned towards William. "'It's just a superhero who's become the victim of a spell which causes hyper-virility' I lied." "Well let's go there anyway," said William, sweatdropping. The Duo of Danger (and Peril) walked over to the oversized organ, noting with interest that there seemed to be four young girls in fukus climbing up the side. There was another one standing by a phone booth, talking cheerfully into the phone. "Yes... Yes... Okay, fine, here by three minutes you say? Thanks." The girl smiled and hung up, turning to the two detectives in front of her. "Yes? What is it?" "Excuse me miss," said Richard. "But do you know anything about that gigantic genitalia over there?" The girl smiled gleefully. "That's Douche Bag Kamen, our kamen." "I see." said Richard. "Have you had any dealings with a certain person called Nut-Punch Kamen by any chance?" The girl nodded, smiling. "Yeah, we were ordered to attack him a while ago, but he beat us... sorta." "'Sorta?'" asked Richard, sceptically. "Well actually the fight ended when one of his friends cast a spell on Douche-chan over there and caused his current condition. Not that I'm complaining mind you," she said with a smile. "Do you have any clues as to the location of Nut Punch Kamen?" asked Richard. "Actually," said the girl, reaching into one of her pockets, "he did leave this calling card." The girl produced a small rectangle of card and handed it to Richard. "Hope this helps." Richard and William scrutinised the card carefully. The simple card bore three letters in Times New Roman font (Size 18). N. P. K. "Hmm," said Richard. "N, P, K, or, according to the periodic table, Nitrogen, Phosphorous and Potassium, the three elements required for good plant growth. Obviously this is the work of the nefarious Doctor Hemlock." "Boss," said William. "I'm fairly sure that it stands for Nut-Punch Kamen." "Hmm... 'I pondered the situation carefully, could my bungling assistant be right for once? I decided to go against my gut instinct for once.' Perhaps you're right Will, now all we need is some way to find him. Maybe we can lure him out into the open..." Another shadow fell across the town and Richard and William looked up in surprise. Lovely Princess S&M looked up and smiled. "Wai! Our blimp is here!" "What to you need a blimp for?" asked William. "Safe sex of course," came the reply. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One scene change later... "So let me get this straight," said Dark Queen Blue Balls, leaning forward a little. "You want me to create a large distraction to lurk Nut-Punch Kamen out of hiding so you can unmask him?" "Yes, Si- Ma'am," said Richard almost letting his discovery slip. Dark Queen Blue Balls turned towards General Third leg, considering the detective's suggestion. "General Third leg, could you arrange something along these lines?" "I do believe we have something in the armoury that may serve just the correct purpose," answered the general, trailing off meaningfully. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey, I'm picking something up," said Naoko, walking into the gym. "Someone's attacking the city again." "Great!" replied Himitsu. "Another change to kick some %$&$&% magical girl ass!" "The city need not fear!" declared Shinji. "For as long as I, Nut-Punch Kamen, draw breath, evil shall not win a passable success!" "What is it this time?" asked Himitsu. "Take a look for yourself..." Naoko bowed her head and raised her arms, casting a spell. "VOYEURISTIC SCREEN!" A large shimmering circle appeared in the air, slowly resolving itself into the image of the town of Mega-Hamletopolis. The skyline, normally dominated by skyscrapers was now joined by not only the organ of Douche-bag Kamen, but also a gigantic mecha-style robot. The robot was huge. It was a light metallic blue. It had the strength of many many men. It looked very well armed and intimidating. It had very large breasts. "Gasp!" gasped Nut-Punch Kamen. "The town of Mega-Hamletopolis is being attacked by an atomically incorrect mecha! This can only be the work of the Nefarious Dark Queen Blue Balls!" "Let's go!" declared Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot, powerposing. "PANTYVERSE... AWAY!" declared Shinji, causing the group to disappear in a burst of pink light. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks to Myth and W4 for pre-reading. Reviews Please! Sign up! Wai!