In the darkest part of a somewhat shady hallway, two people stood. One male. The other, female. The male had an effeminate looking face with bright brown eyes and incredibly fair blond hair, which classified him immediately as a bishounen. Women would collapse at the mere sight of his beautiful face. However, the effect was spoiled as he was wearing some ratty and oil stained sweat pants with a worn out crotch and a t-shirt that was hip roughly fifty years ago. There was also an egg stain on the back of the t-shirt. The girl, on the other hand, was standing as far from him as she could. Her face was less exaggerated than his and she was, on her own, fairly pretty. She had long brown hair and bright blue eyes. Her outfit was a sailor fuku, traditional for all Senshi. The main suit was the standard white, but everything else was bright red, even her gloves and boots. One of the most glaring differences, outside of the whole red bit, between her and the standard Senshi was the lack of a tiara. "So, Asswipe, I hope you've got an idea for-" the Senshi began. "Look, I've told you once, I've told you at least six hundred times, it's 'Ozwipey'." the man growled. "Whatever, Asswipe. Now, what's your idea to get ahead?" the Senshi snarled at him. Ozwipey sighed and began his idea, "Recently, Dr. Maiklit and Dr. Peeonyourshoe got their transdimensional warp gate thingy-amabob working. It's _my_ idea, to use that to start an invasion on another dimension." "So?" the Senshi demanded. "So, if we bring another dimension to her...uh, his...uh... the royal highness, we'll be highly rewarded." Ozwipey declared. "Just one thing you forgot to take into consideration." the Senshi said. "What's that?" Ozwipey inquired. "Me." the Senshi growled, drawing her fist back. "WAIT! That's not until we get there." Ozwipey scolded. "Really?" the Senshi inquired. "Yes. You can't backstab me until we get there." Ozwipey informed the girl. "Silly me. I don't care." she laughed, attacking. She ripped, broke, pummeled and bashed... the wall. "WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_ TO THE INSULATION!?" Ozwipey shrieked in horror. She stopped and sweatdropped. "Crap. Ah well, let's go." she murmurred, her face flushed with embarrassment about her incredible lack of timing. [You destroy the walls AFTER you've backstabbed Asswipe and conquered the other universe.] she reminded herself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MISADVENTURES OF NUT-PUNCH KAMEN! Created by Myth This Part by A-kun Episode 3: The Good, The Bad, And... The Nut-Punched ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "My god." William said. Usually, this phrase is followed by something absolutely hilarious, incredibly mysterious, or, when Hideaki Anno is somehow involved, very tragic. It was, to some degree, all three. "Ooohooooooooohhhhhh..." "Aaaaaaaaagggghhhh..." "!sdrawkcabgniklatm'ihcumosstruhti" "It's full of stars..." Richard noted. "Yeah... look, Leonardo DiCappichino or whatever his name is, Sylvester Stallion, Arnold Swarzt-something or other..." William began counting. "HOLD IT! This scene isn't even in here. Dick and Willy are supposed to be watching the battle!" The author exclaimed, throwing a hissy-fit. "Gawds. Some directors." the stagehands grumbled. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK The robot was huge. It was a light metallic blue. It had the strength of many many men. It looked very well armed and intimidating. It had very large breasts. Nut-Punch whistled in appreciation. Princess Titty-Twister and Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot were in awe in the immensity. "Okay, it's impressive. How do we stop it?" Cotton-Shot inquired. "I shall administer-" Shinji began. "It doesn't have any nuts." Naoko replied. "....." Shinji responded, realizing that it was true. He howled angrily, "CAN THIS BE THE VITAL FLAW IN MY NUT-PUNCH TRAINING?!" "Yes." Naoko and Cotton-Shot told him. "HOW CAN I DEFEAT AN OPPONENT WITH NO NUTS?!" Shinji cried. Laughter was heard behind them as General Third-Leg appeared. "You can't, Nut-Punch. That's the whole poi-" General Third-Leg began. "YOU! I've been in training and while my Nut-Punch won't work on your robot, it will work on YOU! NUT-PUNCH!" Shinji cried. Nut-Punch Kamen Nut-Punched. He Nut-Punched Nuts of Steel. For the second time. "OOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Dammit!" Shinji cried, holding his hand. "Tuxedo Douche Bag wasn't the only one to figure out how to defend himself!" General Third-Leg gloated, before punching Shinji in the stomach. Cotton-Shot and Naoko were going to help him when the mech attacked. "And this is for making my boyfriend STRAIGHT!" General Third-Leg said, kicking Nut-Punch Kamen across the rooftop. "That @%%@%^$^# Douche Bag #$^@#!#@ 'Kamen' was your #@^@#$*%#$@ boyfriend?" Cotton-Shot asked. "MIND NEVER YOU!" Third-Leg shouted, before trying to correct himself, "NEVER YOU MIND!" Shinji slumped. Two weaknesses to his training. How could he Nut-Punch Nuts of Steel? He had worked so hard to learn the Nut-Punch... hell, he had even Nut-Punched himself and it was all for nothing? Nuts of Steel were invulnerable to his Nut-Punch and he couldn't attack opponents with no Nuts. "&($*@#^&!" Cotton-Shot cried as the Mech grabbed her, tearing her outfit in all the right places. "Cotton-Shot!" Naoko yelped from her now collapsing rooftop, with her outfit doing the impression of crepe paper when under any form of stress. Luckily for Shinji, that's when he had a hallucination that lasted two seconds in the real world, but was actually about three minutes for him. "Shinji, do you know the secret to the Nut-Punch?" Shinji looked up to see a women even more desireable than Dark Queen Blue Balls, Evil Empress Eros, Cotton-Shot and Naoko put together. "WHOA BABY!" Shinji cried, instinctively lunging at her. She Nut-Punched his mental form, causing him to flinch, until he realized that it didn't affect him as much. It actually just activated the memory of his self-imposed self-Nut-Punch. "Do you wanna hear this or not?" she demanded. Quickly realizing that 1) this would let him see her longer, 2) seeing her longer was definitely a GREAT thing, and 3) it might, in someway, get him out of that nasty little predicament he was in (obviously, the last one was the least important issue), he sat down in a mental seat to listen. "That's better." she said. She cleared her throat, just as a razor sharp tampon pierced her head, killing her instant-wait, that was two chapters ago and it's the wrong person. Sorry, sorry. "It was developed by angry amazons who hated men for snapping our bras and giving us wedgies, but that's beside the point. Over the years, other techniques have been favored. But, the Nut-Punch remains the most devastating technique and though we dislike men, we will grant upon you, the greatest secrets of the Nut-Punch. Learn them well, Shinji, for you will be the only man to use them. And by the way, you have an EXCELLENT Nut-Punch technique." she told him. "Uh, thanks." Shinji responded. Shinji awoke and stood. General Third-Leg blinked, then laughed as Shinji lunged at him again. "Your Nut-Punch is useless! Haven't you figured it-" General Third-Leg began, thrusting his third leg forward to stop Nut-Punch Kamen. "HYPER NUT-PUNCH!" Shinji cried, Nut-Punching the Nuts of Steel. General Third-Leg's eyes rolled up and he collapsed, foam pouring from his mouth. "HA! Now, for that mech!" Shinji said, taking out a can of walnuts. "Your Nut-Punch can't work, stupid!" Cotton-Shot yelled. "That's what you all think! NUT-PUNCH SPECIAL ATTACK! NUT HAIL!" Shinji cried, leaping into the air and throwing the walnuts high into the air. Nut-Punch Kamen Nut-Punched. He Nut-Punched so hard, that even though he never came close to the Mech, it still exploded, sending Cotton-Shot flying into the distance. Of course, the real reason the Mech had blown up was the fact that, well, the engine on the mech hadn't been maintained in over sixty years and the nuts got into the coolant, and to be honest, this particular mech was the Nova of Mecha. It was going to explode at the slightest touch anyway. "Ooooh, crap." Shinji noted to himself as he watched Cotton-Shot sail into the distance. Cotton-Shot would not be happy whatsoever. Then again, she might not get a chance as Princess Titty-Twister was marching towards him with that look in her eye. The one that promised the Cock Tease of the Seventh Level of Purgatory. "You knew how to get around the Nut-Punching thing and you DIDN'T USE IT UNTIL NOW?!" Naoko roared, throttling Shinji. "AAAAGGGGAAAGAAAAAGGGAAGGGAGH!" Shinji managed to gurgle, which, when translated means, "What happened to your outfit and please stop choking me." "HANDJOB OF GRADE 10 SANDPAPER!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGKKKLLE!" "SUBZERO BLOWJOB!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK Ozwipey and the currently-nameless-Senshi arrived in the world of Nut- Punch Kamen and friends. Well, Nut-Punch Kamen and company, because Cotton-Shot would only swear at us when we referred to her as a 'friend' and Naoko swore she never met Nut-Punch Kamen in her life. The duo of dimension crossers ran into a pair of cross-minded idiots, affectionately referred to as William and Richard, who had been trying to locate Nut-Punch Kamen as the Mech stomped through the city. "'I knew I had run into some real weirdoes.'" Richard narrated to himself, "'Probably refugees from a Star Trek Convention.'" William noticed the frown on the Unnamed Senshi's face and the perplexed look on the bishounen's face. "'Ah, more freaks.' I happily noted. About then, I guessed that I had better question the freaks of nature to see if they knew the ball-buster. And I'd better warn them about the danger of Nut-Punch Kamen, since their own genitalia were in danger." Richard babbled further. The unknown Senshi flared with a deadly red aura as the bishounen began to catch on and grow a sickly green aura. William panicked as Richard refused to shut up, "'Hey buddy,' I berated the obvious hermaphrodites, 'have you seen this man?'. I held up a picture for them to see." The bishounen looked at the picture, then screamed, "NUT-PUNCH KAMEN?!?!" and ran. The Senshi seemed to ignore everything after the word 'hermaphrodite'. Her aura grew to the point where both Richard and William were being pushed back a foot every three seconds. "LEAVE IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIVES!" the girl spat. William, even if bungling, was more than intelligent enough to run away. Richard was not. Thankfully, even his feeble mind knew better than to play his fantasy, even if it didn't realize that it knew better. "I told the herm, 'I better get going, after all, I haven't eaten in hours'. I turned and followed after my bungling partner." Richard narrated, instinctively running away. To save the dimwitted self-narrating detective, an object leapt heroically out of his pocket before he rounded a corner. Even though occupied with building up an enormous blast, the unnamed Senshi caught sight of the item. The build-up of energy evaporated as she gasped in surprise. Tentatively, she crept closer, drawing nary an unnecessary breath until she began making out the letters on the item. She began to breathe again, but faster than normal as she saw what had to be, what must be, the one thing that had been denied to her through ten long years of rigorous Senshi training. Tears welled up in her eyes as she shakingly picked it up, her breathing now sounding as though she were sprinting from an enraged grue. "Chocolate? Is that you, my sweet, sweet, sweet love?" she asked. The letters, while unable to speak in the actual sense, nonetheless told her that she had found her one special thing. "MY LOVE!" she cried, tears of joy running down her face. I'll not go into what happened to her while she enjoyed the Snickers. Let's just say most people tended to do it in private. And lo, the Snickers did satisfy her hunger, but just a little bit. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK Dark Queen Blue Balls tapped her foot impatiently, causing her chest to jiggle and various minions to collapse. With the recent passing of General Third- Leg, another General had stepped forward. This one seemed to be wearing something similiar to those cheap $0.99 X-ray glasses that you could buy at the back of certain comics in the 80s. However, this one was designed to prevent said general from seeing the rest of her body. She wasn't sure how it worked and didn't really care, so long as he was a competent minion. "Explain again, General Tight-Pants, how your plan works?" Dark Queen Blue Balls demanded of the brown-haired man. General Tight-Pants pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket. "Well, I figured with the failure of both sexually obsessed magical girls and brain-dead detectives, such as General Third-Leg proposed, I suggest starting a cult of vampires to do our bidding." General Tight-Pants explained. General Tight-Pants paused. Perhaps General Neck-Fetish wasn't the best General to copy from. "OHBOYOHBOYOHBOYOHBOYOHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!" General Neck-Fetish squealed, bouncing and gainaxing at the same time, which caused several minions around her to swoon, but not fall down. Dark Queen Blue Balls turned, literally busting a poor minion's face in with her sudden movement, to look at General Tight-Pants. "And how do you propose to control them afterwards?" Dark Queen Blue Balls inquired. "We can, uh, uh, turn them into a sex cult?" General Tight-Pants suggested, wishing he hadn't stolen that idea from General Do-Anything. "Hmmmm, well, I'll authorize it, but if I have to deal with those vampires on my own, there'll be hell to pay." Queen Blue Balls warned, before adding, "And I'll take away your glasses." "....yes ma'am." General Tight-Pants whimpered. Queen Blue Balls stood up, causing fifteen minions to collapse. She extended an arm in a commanding fashion, taking out three more. "Now, go, Tight-Pants!" she commanded. Tight-Pants scurried off as the Queen sat down, causing eight more minions to faint. "Hmmm, perhaps his plan will not be enough, even combined with my detectives." she murmurred. Third-Leg's failures had made quite the doubter out of her. She turned to face one of the very, very, very, very, very few minions remaining, taking down all, but the newest General. But, from the looks of it, even he was pushed to his limits. "Call...." she began dramatically. The new general nodded. There was a long pause. "Ma'am?" he asked, hesistantly. "One moment, I almost had it.... ah! Call..." she began again. The camera lowered to her bosom, but was suddenly smacked to zoom in on her face. "....The Kabuki Wanker." she declared. "Ma'am?" Pause. "Ma'am?" Pause. "MA'AM?" Dark Queen Blue Balls turned to the minion, causing him to be stressed to his limits once more. "What is it?" she inquired. "Um, well, it's just that, well, I know the Kabuki Wanker and... it's best that we DON'T call him." he responded, using a napkin to dab away the blood slowly trickling out of his nose. "Hmmm, you're right. It's best that we not discuss him. Anyhow, find someone useful. And, my new and yet-to-be-named minion, if you succeed where your comrades have failed, I'll give you ANYTHING that you want." the Dark and Sexy Queen told him. Thankfully, his- "DICK! Get out of there! You shouldn't be watching the plumber, it distracts her." -was pushed against his pants in a fashion to cause him to clench his eyes and clutch himself as Dark Queen Blue Balls gave him one of her sexier (and incidentally, deadlier) looks, causing him to miss the look altogether. He stumbled out of the room, in search of something to beat Nut-Punch Kamen with. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK Richard had an epiphany. So, he blamed it on the dog and turned to William. "I have it! It all makes sense! The Disguise Master. Nitrogen, Phosphorous and Potassium, the three elements required for good plant growth. The transvestite and those hermaphrodites. It all adds up to: The Brazilian Bi-Sexual! Come, William, to Egypt!" Richard yelled. (Hey, hey, hey, buddy, no one can come from Japan to Egypt. It's just not possible... for humans who aren't dressed as prancing fruit..) William nearly began crying. "Why Egypt?" William demanded. "Because, that's the last place we'd look for: The Brazilian Bi-Sexual!" Richard exclaimed. "But we don't even have enough money to SWIM to Egypt, let alone FLY there!" William tried to reason. "Never fear. Our good friend, General Third-Leg gave me this." Richard said, holding out a brand new Visa Gold and a Platinum Discover card. William was positive. General Third-Leg was an idiot. Incidentally, said idiot was being admitted to the hospital just behind William, but neither detectives noticed the poor General. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK In the Pantyverse, Shinji was hanging from a ceiling fan by his underwear. Cotton-Shot had gotten the chance to beat him up and cuss up a storm while doing so. Luckily, all three of them had to be together in order to enter or leave the Pantyverse, so they had to let him down eventually. Right? :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK The unnamed Senshi blushed as she used more paper towels to clean up the, *AHEM*, discharge she had emitted during the session with the candy bar. [I can't believe I did that while eating that candy bar.] she thought to herself as various other girls looked at her strangely. "What? Never seen a Magical Girl before? Get used to it!" She snapped at the staring girls. She tossed the towels into the garbage bag and exited the bathroom. She stopped almost instantly. She had missed it entering, but now she had time to observe what was just outside of the restroom. A vending machine! And it had candy! She hurried over to it and pressed a button. Sadly, the vending machines in her universe didn't require money. This particular vending machine did. She tried several buttons. "AAAAAAARGGGGGH! THAT'S IT! THIS PLANET IS HISTORY!!!" She shouted, powering up, causing the Earth to shake beneath her. Just as she was ready to start tossing power bolts all over and cleanse the planet in a hellish flame, a figure heroically leapt towards her, but plummeted to make a *ka-thud* noise. The unnamed Senshi looked down at it. "CANDY!" she exclaimed, pulling the candy bar out of the machine. She had just removed the wrapper and was about to embark on another deliriously happy happy fun fun time moment when she remembered what had happened before. She hurried into the bathroom and grabbed some paper towels. With that done, she was ready to partake of the sweat imitation foodstuff when suddenly, the Anti-Fanservice Brigade leapt into the bathroom. "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" the lead girl cried. "I thought we were the Anti-Fanservice Brigade." another girl piped up. "Whatever. You! Not only is your skirt severely lacking in ad- LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" the leader declared, knocking the unnamed Senshi's candy away. Instantly, the AFS leader regretted that action. First, the Senshi cowered and sniffled, raising her arms to defend herself, before realizing that the AFS leader wasn't nearly as intimidating as her old instructor. "Ann, you got us in a large pile of doo-doo. Get us out, QUICK!" the second girl yelped, seeing the look of death in the unknown Senshi's eyes. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK Ozwipey sighed. First, he had run away at the sight of a mere PICTURE. Sure, it was of his personal equivalent of the Overfiend, but STILL. Just a mere picture! His partner-in-crime would laugh her ass off. Speaking of which, she was nowhere to be found, which was a bad sign, since she was almost a Goddess of War. In fact, to defeat her, you actually needed a God or Goddess of War. Or something of that power class. Dr. Maiklit and Dr. Peeonyourshoes weren't going to be happy. Hell, her... er, his... er, it's Majesty wouldn't be pleased, and that was far worse than what Maiklit and Peeonyourshoes could do. He never wanted to be a dimensional warlord. No. He wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they floated down the Mighty Stream of Pee (or whatever that river was called). With his porno- mags by his side, he'd sing, sing, sing! "'Cause I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay..." Ozwipey began to sing. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK General Tight-Pants was growing very, very, very annoyed. He was already planning to hunt down and kill all the people responsible for elevator music, and was quite finished with the plans for using the Vampiric Sex Cult to take over the world. "Please hold, your call is very important to us, here at Vampiric Sex Cults Go Round." came a recorded female voice for the nineteenth time. "AAAAAAAAAAAGH! I'd rather be facing Nut-Punch Kamen than listen to this cra-" General Tight-Pants began. "I'm sorry for the wait, can I help you?" came a voice from the other end. Tight-Pants nearly wept with joy. It was a female voice, but it wasn't a recording! "Yes, yes! I need a Vampiric Sex Cult to be delivered!" Tight-Pants exclaimed. "All right, would you like there to be an unexplainable syndrome attached to make all women into lesbians?" the voice inquired. "Hmmmmm...." Tight-Pants began. :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8= :- 8=[]= & NPK "Beware Nut-Punch Kamen, for The Sucker is coming to get you!" a woman proclaimed. She shoved her head into a vat of pudding and began sucking. "OH MY GOD! NOT ANOTHER ONE!" a co-worker at the Pudding Factory exclaimed, having seen most workers at the factory tended to do that in order to kill themselves, proclaiming that a life of nothing but pudding was no life at all. He paused briefly to consider what to write on the report. She had been at the pudding factory three days more than he had, so that would make her... the company's CEO. And he was... Senior Vice President. The Sucker lifted her head and the co-worker blinked. Her head wasn't even touched by the pudding. He looked into the vat. It was now empty. He clutched himself protectively and began hurrying out of the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not bad, introduced all sorts of possibilities. I'm not sure if I should be proud of this chapter or ashamed. Thanks to whoever came up with the idea of the Kabuki Wanker for Zeitgeist Eggbeater. Sign up! Have fun! OOOOSH-crap, that's copyrighted. ;;;^_^;;; Minor Arcana to TharzZzDunN, who kept stepping on my toes, the wanker. A-kun