Right? RIGHT?! Apparently not. "Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot?!" Shinji wailed. The turning of the ceiling fan wasn't so bad. He could even deal with the way everything was starting to blur into pretty pretty colors. But his underwear was beginning to ride up his-- "BUT!" the philosophy professor ranted, in the midst of his powerful argument. "The mere fact that blah blah type X exists is NO indicator of how much--" "Crack," said the FBI agent. "Almost fifty pounds. We've hit the jackpot here." --and it wasn't just uncomfortable, it really REAAAAAAALLY hurt. It was almost like Nut-Punching yourself over and over again with a tennis ball stuffed in an old, dirty and soppy sweat-sock. "What the @^&!(* do you want?!" Himitsu yelled up at him. Shinji squealed. It was slipping. "Can I come down now? Pretty please?" he said timorously. "NO! You stay the @&$^*@ up there till you @&#@(@ learn how the )!)!#& to @(!(*(@$*$!!$&&#^@%, you &!^#!))(!" "Huh?" Naoko glared up at him. "We'll let you down when we need you!" she said. "But we need to continue to fight evil and preserve justice in the world! And how will you manage without my Nut-Punch Technique?! How can I survive, possessing such power and not even using it for good!?! ARGH!!" "It's YOUR fault that my outfit got ruined!" Naoko indicated the shredded remains of the fuku that had been oh-so-conveniently... well, shredded. "Holding back on us like that. You're such a meanie, Shinji!" "But--but--" He tried to explain that moment of brief bliss he'd had with the amazon with the really large-- "BOOBY TRAP!" the GM yelled. "You all take fifty bazillion damage!" --but didn't get very far before Himitsu lobbed something round and squishy and icky at his face. It was A RAZOR SHARP TAMPON--no, wait, sorry. Anyways, Shinji squealed like a stuck pig and wriggled and squirmed until the ceiling fan finally decided that it had taken enough abuse and collapsed to the ground in a messy explosion of blow-up-real-good. "Ow," he said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MISADVENTURES OF NUT-PUNCH KAMEN! Created by Myth This Part by nikki__h Episode 4: Being Evil Really Sucks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!" "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Unnhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh, God, that's good!" *pause* That last one didn't seem to fit. Oh, well. Ann looked meekly up from her vantage point of a tiny little ball curled on the bathroom floor. Slowly, the other four girls did the same. What they saw was unbelievable. It was terrifying. It was invigorating. It was the wrath of a very horny and very unnamed magical girl who had been deprived of her one true love, whose only name seemed to be "Candy". "YOU... YOU..." the Senshi Currently Known As Sansnom declared, reddish aura growing like Douche Bag's-- "Dongle," the techie said. "You're missing a RJ-45 dongle cable, so until you get that you won't get this network card working." She raised her arms, and began gathering energy there... One of the AFS girls squeaked. "Get us *out* of here!" she repeated furiously. "ANN!" "Okay, okay!" Ann yelped, fiddling with their Instant Transporto Zappo Thingie. "Uh... crap, it's not working, I think she's shorting it out--" The bathroom blew up quite nicely, sending the five AFS girls flying out in a wild array of parted thighs, splayed limbs, and Hello Kitty panties that no one was supposed to see. Concrete split lazily and toppled onto the ground with a clunk. Sansnom the unnamed Senshi [ AUGH! PARADOX! the author shouted. IDIOTS! She's UNNAMED! But we have to give her *something*! No we don't dammit! Delete that line! Fine, fine... ] Sansnom the unnamed Senshi ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The unnamed Senshi looked mournfully down at the ground, where the candy bar was currently floating in a growing pool of leaking plumbing. Thankfully, the plastic wrapping kept it high and dry, so that it would melt in her mouth, not in her hand. Or some other warm, moist orifice. "Oh, my sweet Candy-chan," she purred, picking the limp bar up and cradling it in both hands. "Are you all right?" Candy-chan didn't reply. "... no... NO!!" unnamed Senshi screamed. Tears drifted off and lingered in the air, refracting the light dramatically in a shell of rainbow colors. "NOOOO!!!! Don't leave me, Candy-chan! NOT NOW! I loved you, you bastard! We had SEX together! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!?!" "....." said Candy. Unnamed Senshi sniffled. "I... I see. Then... if that's the way it must be..." She dropped the bar and let it splash lifelessly in the water. "If I can't have you, then NO ONE SHALL!" With a massive burst of red power and stuff, unnamed Senshi soared into the air, plans of massive destruction on a planetary scale in her mind! Unnamed Senshi smashed into a bit of leftover ceiling. "Itaaaaaaaaaii!" *clunk* [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "'The air was hot, the mood seamy,'" Richard muttered. "'I knew that this had to be the place. There wasn't any other place he could be; this Nut Punch Freak had to be here, I could *feel* it. And if there's one thing I can rely on, it's my gut instinct.'" William tried his best to ignore his partner as he opened the little bag of complimentary peanuts. He popped one in his mouth, and instantly regretted it. There are some things money *can't* buy, and decent airplane food was apparently one of them. Richard's nuts were lying on a tray that he had pulled out for the sole purpose of placing his fedora hat somewhere else. "'After all,'" he said, "'it was impolite to wear a hat indoors, even in a joint like this.'" "Boss..." William began. The plastic bag crinkled in between his fingers. Salt leaked out. "'It was my bumbling partner again. I knew what he was gonna do: voice his doubts and try to convince me that I was wrong. But I figured it would be best to let him think he was a genius, so I turned to him real innocent-like and said, What is it, bumbling partner?'" William snapped like a well-timed bra strap. "WE. ARE. IN. A. PLANE. FLYING. TO. EGYPT!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! WE'VE GOT A CASE BACK IN... IN... OH HELL I'M SO PISSED I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE, BUT IT'S NOT EGYPT!" Richard smirked, and flicked out a cigarette from his coat and lit it with a golden lighter monogrammed with the letters "I.C.U.P". "'Just as I thought. The poor sap was finally off his goose. Few cards short of a full house. Just another brick in the wall, rotten apple in the barrel. I figured that I could dump him somewhere in Cairo, before I made my move against Nut Punch Freak.'" "I give up." William sighed, and returned to sucking on his nuts. After a moment's lack-of-forethought, he snatched Richard's nuts to suck on at a later time as well. He looked up. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" The passengers quickly turned away to return to their inflight movie, "Return of the Really Big Killer Shoe". [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "All right, Shinji, here's the plan." "Explain away, dear Princess Titty-Twister." "NIPPLE ULTRA CORKSCREEEEEW!!!" *YANK!* "AUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! ... ooohhhh..." "Call me *Naoko*. Now--Himitsu and me will go look for the Really Intimidating And Big Palatial Secret Hideout Of Dark Queen Blue Balls. You stay here and cover us while we go on in." Shinji rubbed his chest painfully. "How did you find out where the Dark Queen's Really Intimidating And Big Palatial Secret Hideout was?" "It's on this map. Tourist attraction and all." "Oh." Naoko and Himitsu exchanged glances, grinning. "All right, you better not die on us, or we'll kill you when we get back!" Naoko said. "^@*#@~ right!!" Himitsu sneered. The two of them fluttered off into the distance with a whiff of something fresh and clean. Shinji sighed. "What am I to do now?" he said, looking around. It was an unusually dark day, but that was probably because a big-- "Bangstick? You called this a 'bangstick'? That, my friend, is a Winchester 30.06." --was blocking out the sun. The leftovers of an unfortunate blimp draped over it wasn't helping matters any. [ "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! The Hindenburg's going down!!" "So's my girlfriend." "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!" "Well, that'll suck." "Like your girlfriend too, huh?" "... well, yes." ] The bright nuclear flare of red light off in the distance lit things up for a brief moment before it died out again. "That must be another one of Princess Titty-Twister's Viagra Slaves," he observed. And suddenly, because the story was getting boring, a bunch of naked vampire lesbians appeared from nowhere! Well, almost naked. They were wearing this sheer bodysuit which was flesh colored, giving them the really weird look of being naked without any-- "COCKPIT! NOW!" shouted the Air Force general. "We don't have time for--" --or nipples. Which, in retrospect, was a good deal like all the manga he owned, and... oohhhhhh. "Nut-Punch Kamen!" one of them declared. She propped her leg on a piece of rock that was conveniently laying around for the purpose of having hot pseudo-naked vampire lesbians propping their legs up on. Shinji felt something trickle down his nose, and quickly wiped it away with his forearm. "Lo and behold, I *am* Nut-Punch Kamen!" he declared, whipping himself back into shape (after all the time spent in the Pantyverse, he had decided that it was a more appealing solution that being whipped by his two partners). "And in the name of Justice--*pose!*--I will destroy your ability to REPRO--" "We're lesbians, you moron. We adopt." "... oh. Well, I shall smite you in the name of Justice anyways!" "Hah!" another naked vampire lesbian shouted. "My sister and I are the leaders of The Squealing Suckers! I am *Tinker*!" "And I--*gainaxposebarefangsmilewai*--am *Linker*!" "Uh... a pleasure to meet you? AUUUUGH!" Shinji shouted as a couple of Squealing Suckers caught him from behind by the wrists. He managed to struggle free and dash away. "Fool!" Tinker shouted. "You will not escape us! Go get 'em, girls!" With a massive, united scream of delight and all things unholy and stuff, the Squealing Suckers lunged for Shinji. "EEERK! HEY! NO FAIR! Nut Punch! NUT PUUUUNCH! NUT PUN--hey, that's squishy!-- NUUUT PUUUUNCH!!!! GRAH, it isn't working!!!" They finally managed to pin Shinji down to the ground so that he was splayed out like a virgin sacrifice. Which, in a way, he was. "Curses!" he shouted. "I have been defeated by my one true enemy--Those Who Lack Nuts!" Linker grinned. "We hunt elves in our spare time. WHOO, this'll be a *nice*, profitable haul for us!" "You bet, sis! Now, it is time for you to be initiated into the ways of sin, the ways of darkness!" "NEVER! Even if you have filthy intercourse with me, one by one, know that I shall remain true to the way of the Nut Punch!" Shinji retorted. The Squealing Suckers made various faces of disgust. "With you? Ewwww." "Then... what..." "It's something *much*, *much* worse, daaaahling," Tinker said, leaning in close to Shinji and opening her mouth. "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!! Princess Titty Twister, HELP ME!!!!" [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "I think Shinji's in trouble." "^*&^*&@ him." [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] In the beginning, there was silence. Overwhelming, permeating silence. Ponder that, won't you? Then the silence was broken by one magical syllable that was phrase, expletive, and exclamaton all in one. A true marvel of human linguistics. It expressed everything the one who uttered it needed to express, and so much more. It was loud. Clear. And other things. What was this syllable, you ask? Let me do my best to sum it up in my own unworthy words. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" "Lorie, shut up for a second!" Actually, that last line wasn't part of the syllable, because it's more than one... well, you know what I mean. Right? RIGHT?! The girl named Lorie cringed before her leader, and nodded fearfully. She took a moment to assess the damage that had been done; nothing too bad, nothing like last time when that Pretty Captain Cotton-Shot had--ooh, it was giving her tingles--NO! She must be strong, she couldn't think such thoughts-- "... Lorie?" one of the AFS girls said. "Are you having another bout of Illogical Lesbian Syndrome?" Lorie twitched. "I... I suddenly feel the need to confess an overwhelming love for you, Dana!" she said. "For no apparent reason my thighs warm in favor of your beautiful golden hair!" "..." "Ah *hah*!" Ann said, pointing a finger at Lorie that suddenly seemed to become proportionally larger as it got closer. "That must mean only *one* thing!" "That I don't like pizza while listening to frogs. Have you got a notebook?" "That them monkeys sure can't handle the exhaust fumes brought on by my borderilcious hammack wearing tostada brethren?" "That I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs?" "No, no, and *REALLY* no," Ann replied, irked. "It means... that we have stumbled across a nest of a lesbian vampire sex cult!" "Oooooooooooooooooooh." Ann posed mightily! "Beware, lesbian vampire nymphomaniacs!" she proclaimed. "The Anti-Fanservice Brigade will punish you for your transgressions!" "In the name of the Moon, we will--" "No, Leslie." "Awwww!" [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] The pudding factory wasn't a far distance from downtown, and The Sucker had little problem beginning her journey to destroy Nut-Punch Kamen. Granted, she had no bloomin' idea where he was, but NO MATTER! If she needed to suck the entire city to find him, she would do it! Her gullet was bottomless, her oral muscles tireless, and her tolerance level for various ingested liquids endless! Then The Sucker saw something that made her instantly forget all about Nut-Punch Kamen. It was long. It was hard. And it was currently silver because something that looked like the remains of a blimp had been draped over it. And on top of all that were girls of various flavors and appeals crawling over the thing. It was a massive, colossal, enormous, gigantic, tremendous, and just all-around REALLY FANKIN' BIG-- --PENIS! [ You expected another one of those CLEVER DIVERSION STATEMENTS, didn't you?! Well HAH! Eat that! ... or don't. ] The Sucker realized something. She was gonna shine that sumbitch up real nice... turn it sideways (so it was easier to suck on, since it really was too high for her to climb now), and stick it STRAIGHT up her.... um, mouth. I guess. And that would just be the start. Ohohoho, hmmm hmm, yes. The start of a glorious new era for sucking! She would suck like she had never sucked before. She would lick every last drop of whatever that thing pumped out, lick it dry! For she was... *pose pose trip* ... flat on her face. No. For she was... The Sucker! It was time for her to know her role and open her mouth. Nut-Punch Kamen didn't seem too terribly important anymore as The Sucker began to work. [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "Himitsu?" "What the &*^#*$ is it?" "Shinji's probably dead." "Yeah, yeah, fine, let's @(*($@ check on the *($)@ moron..." They quickly blipped back to the place where they agreed to meet earlier... and was greeted with a horrible sight. Scaffolds, ladders, and extra costumes lay everywhere. The floor was concrete, covered in what appeared to be copious amounts of fake blood. Surrounding a very healthy-looking Shinji was a group of very heterosexual women engaging in intellectually-stimulating conversation. "Yes, I studied at Cambridge," Shinji said, smiling suavely. "In fact, my Professor Herbert was the first one to endorse my thesis on the principles of tachyon particles when exposed to time/space delimiting beams, the one that nearly got me the Nobel Prize." "Ooh!" one of the girls squealed. "Shinji, I read that! You should've won! Your usage of metaphorical alliteration was *superb*." Naoko blinked. "Huh?" And then the author crashed into the story and began smacking everyone silly, *especially* the incompetent crew who hadn't succeeded in scene-changing quick enough because they were busy staring at the Booty Crew and The Sucker! AUGH! [ Oh, be kind, mistress! *grovelgrovel* NEVER! Tonight, I use the diamond-studded whips. OHOHOHOHO! ] With that, the scene started over. [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "Himitsu?" "What the &*^#*$ is it?" "Shinji's probably dead." "Yeah, yeah, fine, let's @(*($@ check on the *($)@ moron..." They quickly blipped back to the place where they agreed to meet earlier... and was greeted with a horrible sight. Shinji... looked cool. He was no longer the scrawny, spandex-clad superhero whose sole claim to looking even slightly intimidating was a pair of yellow and yellowed shorts. He was not the lovable--or not, actually--nut puncher from long ago. In fact, he... ... looked cool. Even with the bra and panties over his spandex. "&!)$&!!!" Himitsu blathered. "Lesbian Vampire Chicks! They got him!" Naoko gritted her teeth, and said nothing as the nut-puncher formerly known as Nut-Punch Kamen approached, his eyes slitted and blank. "I... can't see," he said. "I'm squinching, but still--" One of the LVCs kicked him in the butt. "OW! Okay, okay--*ahem*--PRINCESS TITTY-TWISTER! PRETTY CAPTAIN COTTON-SHOT! I am not the Nut-Punch Kamen you once knew. I have been seduced by the ways of darkness and stuff! For now, I am the Nut-Puncher that swings in the night! I am the misbehaving baby who decides to kick you while you're holding him near your waist! I am the scourge of all who live, and terror to all who possess nuts!!" [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] William sneezed, and continued to sleep fitfully. [>_<] [-_-] [O_O] [@_@] [^_^] [._.] [*_*] [H_H] [T_T] "I... am... the POONTANG PROTECTOR!" Naoko and Himitsu... well, let's just say their reactions were less than intimidated. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!" The Poontang Protector joined in with his own version of whinnying, high-pitched evil deranged laughter. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" "HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!" "OOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHO!" "Bweheheheheh... ahahahahaha... GYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Oh, GOD that's good!" Where the *^*& does that keep coming from?! The Lesbian Vampire Chicks didn't join in. Instead, they all simultaneously gestured at Naoko and Himitsu. "Go get 'im!" they chorused. And the Poontang Protector barrelled down at Naoko and Himitsu, menace gleaming a small phantom of delight in his eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTES: WAH! Don't hit me, it's my first time... please be gentle... ;_;